I wasn’t a teenager. I wasn’t raped. It wasn’t an emergency abortion. I got pregnant at the age of 32. It was my first pregnancy, with the man I love. On paper, it’s ideal, right?

But It was not. I wasn’t ready. I thought I was. I’m fantasizing about babies for years now. I was (and am) with a boy who will be the father of my children one day. I just wasn’t ready. It was too soon in our relationship.

We’ve been through hell for weeks. This unexpected pregnancy almost tore my boyfriend and I apart. I’ve became numb to everyone and everything. Disconnected from him. I began to saw him as a stranger. I couldn’t think outside of myself and the abyss of pain and sorrow I was feeling.

Eventually, we’ve decided to end this pregnancy. I knew it was the right decision the minute I woke up from the anesthesia. The mental pain almost instantly went away.

Today, I’m fine but I cannot help myself thinking about the ’what if’ and imagining the baby it would have been, 9 months later. I have a pinch in the heart when I see pregnant women and babies but I guess it’s only natural.

I know this first seed of life will pave the way to motherhood. And I can’t wait to live it.