My abortion was really our abortion. My fiance and I had just bought our house, and I am one semester from graduating college. He and I want kids, but we don’t want them for a couple more years. In July, I took a pregnancy test, knowing it would show what I was dreading. He and I both had really mixed feelings about it. We wanted to be happy, but for the most part we were upset.
That night, I tried to kill myself. Stupid. I know, but I had just gotten into a spot where I was okay. I have bad depression and have suicidal tendencies, and I suffer from some body image issues that lead to some eating disorder problems. I had just gotten into a place where I was starting to love myself. As I was laying in bed beside him all I could think about was how “fat” (pregnant in reality) I would be at our wedding. I had never wanted that. I couldn’t stop thinking about how my body would change with the pregnancy, and thinking about how I would have to learn this all over again; how stressful and hard it would be.
It was so overwhelming. I could not stop the hatred my brain was throwing at me. He heard me get up and I was taking longer than I normally did..he ended up saving my life. We spent all night talking about my options. He brought up that we could have an abortion. When I said I didn’t want him to be mad at me. I was so upset at the idea because I would be “killing his baby” (according to my brain). He said he would rather have me, and that in the future we can have kids. He helped me through it all so I am very lucky. I remember how nervous I was that he would be mad. However afterwards we were both so relieved and glad we made the decision to abort. He holds nothing against me for it which was my biggest fear. I don’t tell people because we don’t want them to know and judge us for it, but having that abortion was the best decision I could have made. If I had not had that abortion I don’t think I would be alive to be sharing my story.