Tokophobia: The fear or intense dread of pregnancy and/or childbirth. I have suffered from Tokophobia since my brother was born when I was 14. I don’t expect many people understand my fear. I don’t want children; I don’t understand why women romanticize another person taking hostage of their body for 9 months and harming by ripping out of their body. My mother would tell how painful it was to be pregnant with me. She had to be bed ridden. She told me the birth was awful, that I ripped her open. These stories horrify me.
I was working and going to school and due to the stress my period stopped. I took 2 pregnancy test and they both came back negative. I went to the doctor to be sure and they told me there was no pregnancy, that I was stressed. The doctor told me to come back next month if my period didn’t return. It did return; I bleed for a month. All seemed well. . .
Then the nausea started right when I was attending my older sister’s baby shower. I had no idea what was wrong. It lasted a month and I didn’t feel human. I was convinced I wasn’t eating right. I fixed my diet and I stopped being nauseous. But I still felt not right in my own skin. Then I started feeling twitches, and I noticed my period wasn’t returning again.
I bought another pregnancy test. To my complete horror, it was positive. I took the second one at my boyfriend’s place. He knew how I felt about pregnancy and how I didn’t want children. It came out positive, and he was so supportive. We didn’t know how far along I was, we were guessing 6 weeks.
We set an appointment to go to the clinic. The day before we were to go, my sister went into a 14 hour labor. She almost died from complications. This has added another layer to my phobia. My boyfriend and I went to the clinic the next day and to our shock found out I was 18 weeks and 5 days and too far along to have the abortion within the state. I was mortified and had a melt down when we entered his car. He called a clinic from a list of out of state clinic who would preform the surgical abortion, and I calmed down enough to set up an appointment. The appointment was set for Valentine’s Day weekend. Because both were/are surrounded by pro-life supporters, we both played off the trip out of state like a romantic get away. We drove 3 hours out of state to the clinic for a two day procedure. The clinic was caring and comforting, and made sure I was comfortable. I felt safe there. My boyfriend was there for me 100%, taking care of me when we were staying in a hotel overnight. I felt so much better after abortion was complete.
The most painful part of the experience is having to keep it a secret from my close friends and family. If my family knew, I could get kicked out. The pro-life movement they spread hurts me to my inner core. I know my own mother would hate and disown me if she found out. It’s painful to realize your mother’s love is conditional.