Almost 2 years later, I am still not over it, or okay. I already had 4 kids, I already experienced the worst loss in the world, my son passing. I had just started a new job, my husband then was traveling all the time, and I was alone, with 3 kids, all 3 with special needs and autism. So I had 2 jobs, a “corporate job” and mom. Alone. Scared. Cursed almost it felt. I said the words you should never say ” it can’t get any worse.” Well, if that were the case I wouldn’t be on here would I? I was not feeling well for a few days at this point but my son was not only nonverbal, but pretty violent and needy at the time, so of course I just thought it was stress and lack of sleep. Plus all the running about all the time. So my period was late, again I just thought ugh stress is a killer in that area too. I decided against everyone’s advice, to take a test…..and to this day I wish I would’ve listened. I nearly fell off the toilet when I saw those 2 lines come up almost instantly. I was alone, with the kids, trying to get them to school, so I had to suck it up and get moving. The only time I was so happy my son had a meltdown at school and headbutted me so I could let out all these tears I kept in for 2 hours at this point. So I did all the school stuff, picked all kids up made dinner, all that stuff. Then worked all night, but I ended up signing out and going to bed crying harder than I had yet. So this job I was so excited about, was pretty much ruined because I didn’t care about it anymore right then. I couldn’t focus, not even a little bit. But I kept showing up, and in the middle of breaks I called clinics. I could barely even dial, then if I did, I couldn’t talk and they couldn’t understand me. Then I found a place that was hidden away, cheapest I could find, good reviews, they were very nice on the phone too. So I made the appointment, I wrote it down, I told my husband after we agreed, this was the best decision. I have already had 4 kids, and have medical issues, but even still, I feel I should’ve thought of that before. I was so pissed at myself, and him too. The appointment day came and they did the surgical abortion at this location, but I had to be in there waiting all day, all alone, because I couldn’t tell a soul I was doing this. No one but my husband knew. IT was the worst guilt, fear, pain all of that and I had to go through it alone. Even now, no one knows. It’s a terrible burden to carry. I waited over 8 hours to have this done….after paying $600, to forever hate myself I felt. I can never go back. The ultrasound tech hugged me, and said she went through it, and that I had to leave it there. All the guilt, all the blame and pain. When you walk out, leave it here. I really tried to. After I was done, I went home and buried myself for days. I’m still not okay, I know we all have our reasons, we all do it because there is a reason. I will never forget it and am trying really hard to move on, but I can’t lie, it’s wrecked me more than I ever thought. My marriage is over. I don’t have sex anymore. I still remember though, at the clinic, they had something that said “We hope we never see you again, but here for you if we do” I can tell you, they helped me not completely lose it. They were the kindest women for that clinic and all those women who find themselves there. I hope anyone who has done this, or find themselves thinking about it, it’s okay, you are an amazing woman, don’t think your heart won’t break, but you are doing what you need to do, and that will always be okay.