Also , I felt really ashamed that before me experiencing it, I never found it to be a difficult societal topic. But after reading tons of articles online (both pro-life and pro-choice, as they call themselves), severe emotional shock appeared.
It started with reading articles where people state how females who do abortions should be publicly hanged. This was accompanied by a few articles on how America (a symbol for freedom) is now starting to shame women and continuously finds ways to limit their rights. I was sickened by the fact that in front of abortion clinics, people protested and cursed confused and hurt females.
Most importantly, I was in awe, I couldn’t believe that in the 21st century people were still debating women’s freedom to choose. What’s next? Will they burn us at the stake?
I felt a little afraid, don’t want to live in Handmaids tale to be honest, but after going through tons of harsh critiques on abortion, anger started to grow.
“How is it that people are so stupid? Nobody knows anything! What is life? When does it begin? Those are questions nobody has answers to, yet alone use solely to justify their fascistic beliefs. Not being able to answer such questions is the entire reason why people have the right to choose. We don’t know if God exists, or the things he/she will say on the matter of abortion. So everybody is left on their own! Creating INDIVIDUAL belief systems, making adequate and healthy decisions, without anybody pressuring”
But through quasi-philosophizing, I was shutting down emotions, the most important ones. I said: Fuck everybody! This is between me, myself and I.
So i started to dig deep into my feelings, talked to the fetus, called it little bean, apologized, explained, made my partner to do the same thing! We cried a lot! We comforted each other, but we knew it was the right thing to do!
We even decided to give it respect by holding a little ceremony. Some candles, tears and honest words. I cherish life and I found abortion to be one of the hardest things I had to do! So a couple of days I couldn’t laugh, love or taste without feeling guilty. Nobody deserves this, nobody deserves me – I thought!
But one thing kept me going: What if I don’t do it! What if I give birth? And as soon as I imagined I wanted to throw up even more!
I am 21, without any stability (emotional or financial), living in a 3rd world country, having mood swings and regular fights with my emotionally unstable (but loving) parents.
Why unstable?, well for instance, after I told my mom, she cried and yelled: oh my grandchild, why? Don’t do it! I will take care of OUR child. This wasn’t very soothing at the moment and it didn’t make me feel better at all. Luckily, I live in a former socialistic country where abortion was totally normal that even my grandmother had it at some point. So after a few days, my mother had coped with my decision and offered emotional support.
Unfortunately, there are women, both young and old, who are in much difficult situations and don’t have any kind of support during such hard times.
So my advice is: Think for yourself! If you are going through the same process, reading through disgusting and judgmental opinions (usually from 50 year old males), I would like to remind you that your body is your own. And sexuality, as well as abortions is a highly personal matter.
Pro-life is a stupid word for an anti-abortion movement. Abortion is pro life is as well, YOUR LIFE!
Nobody wants to go through such an experience. In fact, none of us chose it in the first place. Whatever your decision is, you should make sure that you were the one that made it.
Societal pressure isn’t something to be underestimated. It influences us on a daily basis. But always remember that unwanted pregnancies directly affect three individuals (you-the most, your partner – only if he is supportive and kind, if he isn’t – dump him; and the life of the yet undeveloped fetus).
To make a decision, try this:
Cry your heart out! Cry as much as you need! Talk to everybody you feel comfortable with! Ask for support. If you can’t get it from your close ones, ask for it online!
Imagine yourself raising a child, do you want to? Is motherhood your top priority? Do you have financial and emotional stability because both of them matter for raising and creating a healthy individual! Do you have goals that haven’ yet been accomplished? What to you want out of your life?
Don’t feel guilty if you don’t have emotions or if you find it hard or if any other scenario. I will repeat again: This is a tough decision! (especially if you are spiritual, even a little, or if you want to make please everybody, if you don’t like conflict or hurting others)
But speaking for tough decisions, what about raising a child? If somebody says that abortion is going to stick around with you forever, fuck them and just reply: And a child won’t?
What will that child get from me if I’m totally unequipped to raise it? If I don’t have love to give it or a chance for a better life than mine!
Having all of these thoughts and emotions blurred up, it was a tough and emotionally draining few weeks. My feelings are still mixed up and vary from regret to extensive relief. However, both in my heart and rationally I know that I made the right decision (for me). I love my partner and hope to have children with him one day, but on the conditions which we make.
I don’t want to give birth at 21, immature, regretful and without enough life experience. I want to get my university degree, I want to travel the world, I want to help children in Thailand learn English, I want to get into a bar fight at least 2 times, I want to smoke cigars at least 5 more years, I want to try new things, change jobs, go full on “fight club” mode at a boring office. I want to have children, but after 35 and I truly hope that “little bean” will find us again through some cosmic coincidence and we will be a happy ever after family. I want all of those things, and I don’t feel bad about it.
Doubting yourself is normal, especially about such grand things. So please stay strong and don’t let stupid people shame your decisions!
Your tears are also mine, Best of luck