I am putting this out there because I hope this very personal release helps me heal but also other women as well. Today I had a surgical abortion at 6 weeks pregnant. I am happily married, have a wonderful toddler and a successful job. After the birth of the first child I developed Generalized Anxiety Disorder (GAD) though I think I have always had it but never had been treated. I think the pressure of being a new mom to a baby with a birth defect, balancing life, work, and marriage all kind of sent me into anxiety/panic land. My anxiety has been well under control for about 2 years with a couple of down days here and there, but with the help of my therapist things have really improved. Earlier this Spring everyone was asking us, “when will you have another baby?” and my family was pressuring me and my husband. I think we let the pressures of society to have another, our non-nuclear family constantly asking, and friends politely saying, “you have to give your kid a sibling, how selfish not to.” I should note, my first labor was extremely traumatic, so bad, I still have PTSD and work on it with my therapist. Well, 6 weeks, actually 4 weeks ago, we conceived, not really expecting anything to come of it. During this time I think my husband and I were more in robot mode, work, kid, sleep, sex and didn’t truly sit down and discuss the possibility of having another child – this is the part I regret most. Well turns out it took and neither of us were super excited when I took the pregnancy test. Over the next 3 weeks I honestly didn’t even think about being pregnant – it wasn’t sinking in and I was not connecting with the experience. Last week I started spotting and immediately a HUGE sense of relief came over me at the thought that I was losing the pregnancy. Well the spotting stopped, but my anxiety and panic kicked into high gear and had me on the verge of rushing to the ER. If my relief at a possible miscarriage was that strong, maybe I was not meant to have this baby. I talked to my husband, closest friends, mom and therapist and they all said, “hun it sounds like you have made up your mind to end this pregnancy for the well being of yourself.” My number one goal in life is to be present and healthy to care for our toddler and be a productive member of our small family. When the weight and anxiety of this pregnancy robbed me of that, I knew in my heart I was not ready to have another baby and I didn’t want to endue a pregnancy full of anxiety and threaten the health of the baby. I had a surgical abortion, mostly because I wanted it over and I feel most comfortable having a doctor and nurses to talk with during any procedure. The whole experience was good, from the moment I entered the OB/GYN’s office to the time I left. My doctor was terrific and the pain was only bad during the numbing portion. It was all over in 5 minutes and the final vaginal ultrasound revealed the procedure was successful. My anxiety has calmed for the most part since the procedure and I do get teary here and there over what happened. Tonight I plan to snuggle my kiddo and husband and just be grateful I live in a place that allows me to make this option and have a procedure in a world class OBGYN facility. I want other women to know, that abortions happen for a bunch of different reasons. For me, this was not the right time to bring another child into the world, not with my mental state being weak about it, and not having total conviction in my heart that I even want another child.