I do regret not being careful and making my child pay for a crime that I committed. I wish that the tiny little thing in my belly, could hear my whispers of sorrow and how I beg it to understand…I just can’t do this again. As a mother of two, who is only twenty one, and a college student full-time; I just can’t do this again.
Now there will be people who will claim that I could very well, do this all over again. And they are right, technically I could. But at what cost? For my other children to suffer because money is even tighter, for my mental health to suffer from the stress, for my partner to suffer from the emotion mess that doing this again, would certainly cause. For that unborn child to suffer because I am too worn down, spread too thin, broke, and trying to stay afloat…sometimes love isn’t enough. And I do love it. Oh, it hurts to admit. But yes, I love it, and never will a day go by that I do not feel guilty and responsible for my actions. I will bear that weight on my shoulders for eternity. I will catch the glances from my mother, who is very religious and even though she loves me, she would never support my decision. Even if it does make sense. I will always be a murderer to someone, but I’m just trying to live. I’m trying to cope. Because no one can hate me more than I hate myself.
But still, I did this. No excuse is enough to justify it, not in my own mind. Still, my decision didn’t change. Even as I cried and as I bled, it didn’t change. I felt right and so wrong, all at the same time.
I know one thing, I’ll never have another child. I don’t think I’ll ever get over this, or feel as though I deserve more children. Maybe I don’t. I wish that people talked about contraception more. Even though, I am an adult, with two children, I want the youth to understand that, waiting longer is better. It just is. You save yourself much grief, and maybe in some cases, you may save yourself the guilt of abortion because you felt the need to terminate an unplanned pregnancy. Of course, abortion happens for many reasons, and none of them are small. I feel a bit more lighthearted now, and the tears have dried. And I am happy. Life has been good to me, I pray that God is holding my child now, telling it what a beautiful thing it is. And that it wasn’t a mistake, but I made the mistake of being careless. I hope God can forgive me, for I am truly, sorry.