I found out in April 2018 during a surgery consult that I have Ehlers-Danlos Syndrome, a connective tissue disorder that makes getting pregnant extremely risky. But I was always good about my birth control, so I didn’t worry much.
I ended up getting pregnant that October, but I didn’t find out until I was so sick and dehydrated that I wound up in the emergency room, unable to hold down water, and unable to eat.
Two days before Christmas.
I was devastated. I knew I couldn’t keep the baby, but oh god I wanted to keep that child…
I was fortunate to have help from my parents during that time, and traveled a couple hours to the big city to have my pregnancy terminated.
The night before, I had the most gruesome, devastating dreams…it was so hard.
After I got out of surgery though, I was told that I had lost a liter of blood, and that my uterus failed to contract on its own, which required injections and massaging.
The surgeon told me that it would have been incredibly dangerous for me if I had attempted to carry to full term. Even so, I was in terrible pain for weeks following.
I’m recovering…in waves. Some days are harder than others. I wish I felt like I could talk about it…I lost my child, and it doesn’t feel like I can discuss it. I’m trying. I love my life, even with my disabilities…but I can’t help but imagine what my life would’ve been like if I could have children.