It was a few days after my 21st birthday that I found out I was pregnant. My boyfriend and I relied on the rhythm method and withdrawal while using condoms on the days I would be ovulating. Being severely bulimic, I was afraid that birth control pills would make me fat and that I was too unhealthy to conceive. I was wrong.
I had always thought that I would get an abortion if I ever got pregnant young, but this was still a heart wrenching decision for me to make. I have always wanted to be a mom and part of me thought I could have a baby. However, along with the eating disorder, I was depressed and suffering from PTSD from sexual assault, and knew deep down that I could not grow and properly care for a baby right then.
It has been 4 months, and while I still believe that I made the right decision, the emotional grief has been devastating. I believe that it is important to acknowledge the pain that comes after an abortion and to know that even though you are suffering, it is okay to believe you made the right decision at the same time. I do not regret my abortion, but I do regret the decisions that led me to it.
Abortion is painful for some women, but if you allow yourself to feel and process the grief, it can become a learning experience. Now I am trying my very best to beat my eating disorder so that one day I can have happy and healthy babies when I am ready. I have a clearer vision of what I want out of life now and I am grateful for that.