I lived in a world where everything was disposable and where you simply got rid of what you didn’t want.
No questions, no regrets. I never saw myself as a woman with many children or knew the meaning of the word “family”. I grew up as an only child until I was 12 into the life of a mother who abandoned me as a baby and into the life of an angry, abusive man who had been abused by his mother himself and who lacked the insight to try to break the cycle of domestic violence. Abuse was all he knew and that is what I lived for 17 years. Certain subjects were never touched at the dinner table or ever and all I did was keep quiet unless I was asked something. Only then would I speak not knowing if the consequence of my answer would be a smile or a bloody mess.
Later on, I learned that my stepmother and some other female relatives had had abortions which they kept a secret and guarded it relentlessly. It something that you “just didn’t tell”. As for me, I was a mess. I hated myself. I blamed everything and everyone for my existence and had lived up to my father’s expectation I had been hearing as a child and became a prostitute. Sleeping with men for money felt low yet rewarding. It seemed that for the first time in my life, I was in charge of something, owned something…my own body. And all I knew what to do with it was hurt it and desecrate it. When I was high, my profession made me feel powerful. Getting high went hand in hand with this scenario because there is no other way to deal with it. No person in their right mind could actually want that life. I know I didn’t. I had two abortions in my early 20’s while being in a relationship with a deadbeat I loved to call my boyfriend and who is my 17 year old son’s biological father. There was no future with him. In fact, I didn’t see a future for myself period. I was scared of what I could do to a child. The questions of “will I be just like him?” and “what if I’m just like my mother and leave them?” spun inside my head. I knew any living being deserved better than what I was. I had to learn to love myself before I could even dare to try to love somebody else. And it was not easy. Time and time again I failed to see my worth and put myself in situations that belittled my spirit. If I only knew then what I know now….
To this day I know I made the right decision. Having become a mother back then would have been putting my own child through my same situation and that is something I don’t wish on anyone. I‘ve cleaned up my act since then, been in rehab and therapy for years and even so, I still have some issues. I’ve had to learn to forgive and currently have a long distance relationship with my mother and father which at times I still question. I’ve learned to value and to be an honest person and to raise a boy on my own. When we have our conversations, I always stress the importance of using protection and the consequences unplanned parenthood can bring. All I can do is hope for my baby to do the right thing when the time comes even though if it were my way, the decision wouldn’t be his.