I was a young woman (20), with my first boyfriend, and my life was young adult chaos. I was in university, was struggling to pay my bills, and making poor decisions left, right, and center.
When the doctor at the clinic at my school told me I was pregnant (I was already pretty sure), I told her I wanted to terminate the pregnancy, and she was very supportive. I hadn’t even really considered having the baby. I knew that abortion was the right choice for me at that point in my life.
My best friend got me through the whole thing. He and I stayed up late many nights leading up to the abortion and talked about the whole thing like it was happening to someone else. He and I are still best friends. The boyfriend? He’s long gone, after a breakup that totally crushed my soul. The boyfriend was supportive at the time, and went with me to have the abortion, but that night I went home alone and spent the night cuddling in bed with my best friend.
I don’t think I’ll ever know if I made the right choice. It’s impossible to look into the future. What I do know is that now, in my life, I’ve never been happier. After what felt like an eternity of wandering aimlessly (from the time I was about 18 until I was 25), I have finally found my passion and purpose in life and am studying to be a nurse.
And I have become closer with God. The abortion and the breakup were a catalyst for me to analyze my life and my soul. I know that God loves me. I know, in my heart, that God does not judge me because I had an abortion. And, over time, I’ve become less and less afraid of what others would think about me if they knew. My life and my choices are a matter between me and my God. No one else has any right to judge.
Before the abortion, I wrote a poem to the baby. I still have it tucked away. A couple of years after the abortion, I got a tattoo on my ribcage, near the apical aspect of my heart, where the beat is loudest. It’s the letter “J”. I had called the baby “Baby J”. I won’t ever know for sure, and I won’t ever forget. But this is my body, my journey, my soul, and I have done the best I can. I am proud of myself for that.