I have always been pro-choice, because I believe it’s nobody’s business what a woman decides to do with her body. I never thought I would get one, since I am an adult and fully capable of raising a child. That is until late last year.
I had been married for 2 years. We moved to a new state, and I got a job at a retail Home Improvement store. Ever since we’d moved I felt mistreated and neglected by my husband. The stress was getting to both of us.
At my new job, I made lots of friends, one in particular being a married man who flirted relentlessly with me. My husband hadn’t touched me for months, would spend his evenings on his phone and didn’t even acknowledge that I existed.
I’m not trying to make excuses, but I think you can see where this is going. It started as an emotional affair, which then quickly turned physical. This went on for 3 months before I realized I was being used. He would tell me how madly in love with me he was, and I guess I believed him. Until I found out, on my 25th birthday, that I was pregnant. That’s when he stopped talking to me completely.
The hormones were making my depression worse. I knew I didn’t want to keep this baby. As hard as I tried in the beginning, I never felt a fondness or love for it. Just disgust. With him, with myself, with the whole situation. This wasn’t a child formed from love, but from sick and twisted lust.
Yes, adoption can be an option for some people, but my friends and family found out I was pregnant. It would look extremely suspicious if I was pregnant for 9 months and didn’t have a baby to show for it.
Anyway, the douchebag decided to follow me outside after work one day, and practically begged me to have an abortion. I had already made an appointment the week before, told him when it was.
Fast forward to the week before my abortion, and my depression has reached its peak. I didn’t know if I could go through with it, but I also didn’t think I could raise a child knowing I’d be lying to my husband and everyone around me. Living with my mistake for the rest of my life. I honestly believed that my depression would eventually turn into psychosis, and that I may end up hurting the child. I didn’t want that, but I had no one to blame but myself.
I made a plan to go to the train tracks and end my life. The night I was going to do it, my husband walked in on me writing my suicide letter. After convincing me to stay, I finally broke down and told him everything. He was hurt, but he wasn’t angry. He apologized, even though I told him it wasn’t his fault, and he told me he wanted to work through everything. We both agreed that keeping the baby would be a mistake.
I went to my appointment, and my husband was there holding my hand. It was cold, but the staff was warm and understanding. They had to do an ultrasound to determine where the embryo was. She asked if I wanted to see, I said no. As she left the room, however, I saw one of the photographs she printed for my file. I will never forget it for as long as I live.
After the procedure, we went home and vowed that we would rebuild what we had lost in our marriage.
The douchebag approached me a week after the procedure and said he was glad I was okay, showing great concern. I told him to never speak to me again. Luckily for me, a few months later, he was transferred to a different state.
It still hurts sometimes. If I hadn’t strayed from my marriage in the first place, I would never have had to go through this. I’m constantly reminded by social media posts that I’m a monster who murdered my baby. I’m brought to tears because nobody would ever understand what I’d been through. If anyone ever found out, all they would see is a home-wrecking, murdering whore who deserves a painful death.
The baby would have been born a few days ago. As painful as it is, I feel like I made the right decision.
I have a bit of advice for young women everywhere: having an abortion is not fun. Please protect yourself, regardless of what your partner says.
If you do have to have an abortion, above all, don’t let ANYONE make you feel horrible for your choice. Don’t let it eat at you, and don’t torture yourself by reading the propaganda. Just know that you made the right decision for YOU, learn from your mistakes, and move on.