I didn’t realize I was pregnant until I was at least 9 weeks. I’ve been off and on birth control pills since I was 15 and am now 21, I’d never gotten pregnant before and actually started to wonder whether I was even fertile because I wasn’t always the best at taking my pills on time…
In a long-distance relationship at the time and saw my boyfriend every couple months or so, so as I desperately dislike the way the hormones affect me I just wouldn’t take my pills when we were apart and start before I’d see him.
I got too comfortable and just thought the pull out method would due till I could change birth control methods, of course it’s not always that easy.
I didn’t know I was pregnant, I experienced horrible morning sickness for at least 3-4 weeks and just thought it was my stomach acid that is already really overreactive (also my eating habits became very poor and I was drinking a little more alcohol due to working at a Renaissance Fair) so I just thought my stomach had finally had enough and was just ultra sensitive at the moment. I’d started gaining weight and brushed it off as me not eating enough veggies, then my period missed and once again I thought it was lack of nutrients because its happened before, especially when I was vegan.
Pregnancy still really didn’t cross my mind until I was 8 weeks, okay things are weird, I missed a second period and had been eating better and my stomach only mildly settled down. Finally after five days of denial I got two pregnancy tests and within 30 seconds saw I now had a little mutant in my belly. Tears, confusion, phone call to the sperm donor who wasn’t being very supportive at the time.
I wanted to deal with this on my own but resources weren’t too easy to find. Eventually went through Planned Parenthood, they were absolutely amazing in every way possible.
I knew I couldn’t have that child, even with the little part of me that thought it could work and wanted to try I never had a choice. It never had a chance. I’d been so unhealthy, consuming too much alcohol, bad food, starving myself and not eating well, that I just could see no possible chance of it being the healthy glowing child I shall someday mother. It still terrifies me that I was so oblivious to my pregnancy, and that poor little tiny thing suffering from MY consequences, it was so innocent and never deserved to go through that. That realization truly hit me the moment I saw the little thing on the ultrasound screen the day before my abortion, bouncing around with its little arms and legs. The doctor asked if I’d eaten as they usually move more after that. I had drank a cup of coffee before without thinking twice, I saw how irresponsible I was and the guilt and shame overcame me, we both suffered the consequences of my unhealthy lifestyle but only I could make the conscious decision to partake in it. It never deserved me, and I’m so sorry I wasn’t better, but I don’t think I could have mothered it anyway, I am just still to selfish and can see a world of regret for not pursuing my dreams. In the end it worked out, but I still can’t shake the guilt I feel for treating my body and baby so poorly.