I am a 29 year old mother to a beautiful 7 year old girl. She has truly made my life a joy since the day she was born.
I could never regret a thing about her existence and have always thought she made me better than I was before having her. Within the last 10 months I have had 2 abortions with the same man. We had just met the first time and were very smitten with each other but I found myself pregnant about a month into the relationship. I was so scared because I didn’t know him and what the future would hold and I didn’t want to have another baby without help or support from the father. He was supportive but I felt like I didn’t want to trap him or have to begin, what I thought was the beginning of a beautiful relationship, with the weight of a baby so soon. More importantly, I was barely making ends meet with my daughter. Her father has minimal involvement and no financial support. I struggled with the decision. I was 28 and always wanted more children. I never thought I would ever have an abortion but that is what I did. It was a medication abortion. After taking those pills, I changed. Not outwardly, not overwhelmingly, but I felt hollow. I regretted my decision sooo sooo much. I promised never to make a choice like that again. Me and the father decided that would never be our choice again, no matter what. We stayed together. It was rocky as I felt I didn’t get the support I needed from him emotionally, although I’m not sure he could have provided it, even if he had tried harder. He didn’t really care to talk about it much, but he tried. We started fighting. We started fighting all the time but we continued our relationship and shared some good memories as well. I always had anxiety and a feeling like something awful was gonna happen and I couldn’t stop it. I believe that was for my baby that I chose to kill. I don’t think I allowed any of this to trickle over to my daughter but she may have felt the change. My boyfriend became someone that I wanted desperately to feel for and to be there but I was emotionally detached. The fights got progressively worse and he would call me names and cuss me out. I would break up with him at the drop of a hat and he would beg me back. I knew, deep down that the special part of our relationship died with our baby but I wanted it so badly that I stayed. It finally got to the point where he was saying negative things about my daughter and becoming increasingly aggressive with me. We were out and drunk one night and he bit me in the face twice. At that moment I knew it was time to move on and told him as much. 2 days later I took a pregnancy test and it read positive. I felt devastated. Not too long ago I had vowed never to make that awful, damaging choice again but I was already thinking about it. I tried to fight it, to be brave. But I am a coward. He turned into a monster and was begging me for an abortion everyday, telling me that I was on my own if not, that i was being selfish to my current child, that I was ruining his life. He even said he was considering suicide. There were moments when he tried to be there or say that we could make it work but it always went back to a negative and selfish place. It took 3 appointments to finally go through with killing my daughters 2nd sibling that she will never have the opportunity to meet. I had a surgical abortion 2 days ago. I sat on the table for an hour telling them I need a couple of minutes each time until they told me I would have to reschedule if I didn’t continue. So I did. I knew it was a baby. I knew it had a heartbeat, I had seen it myself. I never allowed myself to see a future with this baby but the baby was always in my future no matter what. I will always think of what my children would have been like and I regret nothing more. I think that it’s almost not fair to give a woman a choice like this. Because it’s so hard to be brave when you’re so vulnerable and so scared. I know if I had allowed myself to have this child or had no choice, I would’ve loved it as much as I love my daughter and we would’ve had a beautiful life and I would’ve been filled with joy instead of regret and pain.