I want everybody who has ever had an abortion to read this.
I had an abortion. I’m not ashamed. And I won’t let myself hurt over it anymore.
I’m going to be okay. I’m going to move on, even if it means more nights retching into my pillow, being consumed with guilt and feeling suffocated and even if it means more nightmares and more anxiety at hearing the word “pregnant.”
I’m going to make the world a better place. I’m going to prevent this from happening to other people. I’m going to educate. I’m going to save. I’m going to offer my advice, my experience, my knowledge, my heart to other people in the same position I was in.
I want to move on and I think that’s possible without forgetting. I will never forget. I know I say all I want to do is forget but I don’t. I just want it to stop hurting me. I have to realize it will only hurt as long as I let it. It doesn’t have to hurt me anymore. I have all the power to say that this is not going to be my life. I’m going to actually live my life. God if I thought I had been through a lot before this was I wrong. And I pray that I’ll never have to endure more pain than all of this put me through and still puts me through. But it really is time to let it go. I don’t want to be angry anymore. I don’t want to be sad anymore. Its going to be hard, but I’m going to do it.
It saved my life and killed me all at the same time. I’m going to college in the state of my dreams with the love of my life. I’m going to get a career doing something I love, and it’s going to be helping people, making people happy, no matter what it is. I want to feel like I’ve given back; I just want to feel like I’ve fixed it, which I guess is impossible. I just to know I’m going to make it. That’s all I can keep telling myself.
I’m so strong. I am so strong. I have had to make one of the hardest decisions that anyone could ever possibly have to make, I have lived to regret it, I have lived to feel the guilt, but I’ve lived. I went through hell and back. I’m so tired of feeling sorry for myself. I didn’t ask for it. I didn’t ask for some asshole to fuck up my life from tenth grade onward, and partly it is my fault but it all comes down to me not having self esteem.
I am worth something, I’m worth someone’s love and affection and I am worth life. I am worth life. I have put myself through so, so much to be here today. I could’ve let it kill me, and many times I almost did, and I’m sure I will come close to letting it kill me again, but I just want myself to read this every time that happens.
I want myself to know that I am a better person because of what happened, regardless of how many people out there would love to tell me I’m evil. My decision was anything but selfish. I did not think of how I would feel afterward, I couldn’t.
I won’t let him control me anymore. I won’t let depression, guilt, regret control me anymore. I know that the soul loves me. I know that it is coming back. I know it forgives me. I know God, whatever God is, forgives me.
I forgive me.
I forgive myself. I have to forgive myself. Why can’t I just do that? I did what I had to do, what I saw as the only choice. I was trapped and lost and terrified and I was so weak and I just wanted it to go away, I knew I couldn’t have handled it. I may always wonder what would’ve happened had I not made that choice, but I know that I’m here now, and I’m going to be successful. And one day, I’ll get pregnant again. And I’ll tell my parents, and they will be ecstatic instead of disappointed. I’ll be overcome with joy instead of fear. That baby will be loved from the second its existence is known. That will baby will be loved because I love myself.
I love myself. That seems so wrong to say, but it shouldn’t. I love myself. I’m an amazing person. Why have I spent my whole life hating myself? Why have I spent my whole life punishing myself? Why can’t I just give myself a break? Why have I let others control my self worth, my happiness, my decisions? Fuck everyone else. I matter. I matter to the universe.
This will not get the best of me anymore. This will not drown me anymore. He will not drown me anymore. I hope the best for him. I hope that he is always able to support his child, and that his girlfriend who he heartlessly cheated on with me, is never treated by him like I was. I forgive him. We were only sixteen. He was scared too. He was just as lost as I was, and if I were in his position I can’t say I would’ve handled it better. It’s not his fault that it happened, because we both knew the risks, although he should not have done it without making sure I was okay with it. But he is not that smart or thoughtful. He is selfish, conceited, and cruel at heart. I believe he can change, though. I do.
I believe I can change. I believe I can make it.
I’m not alone. You are not alone. Please, I need people to see this so they can know. I need for people to understand.
It will get better. It will get easier. You must learn to forgive yourself. You can’t let yourself get trapped in the darkness. Promise me. Promise me that you will not let it destroy you, that you will breathe and you will recover.
I love you.