I always thought I would have trouble getting pregnant. Both my mother and my grandmother had to see specialists and start fertility treatments in order to get pregnant. When I was 15, I started the pill to treat ovarian cysts and acne. I’ve been on the pill ever since so I’ve never worried about getting pregnant. My boyfriend and I didn’t use condoms because we figured that with my family history and being on the pill, there was no chance I could get pregnant.
During my sophomore year of college, I started feeling kind of weird, on a regular basis. I didn’t think anything of it until my period was late. I decided to take a pregnancy test just to calm myself down and convince myself that I was stressing over nothing. I literally could not believe my eyes when the test came back positive. I immediately started sobbing and screaming “this isn’t supposed to happen to me.” I told my boyfriend and he was as in denial as I was. I knew I didn’t want to have an abortion but I could not even imagine raising a child. Both my family and my boyfriend’s family are very conservative and would be so disappointed in us if they knew I had gotten pregnant. We eventually decided to get an abortion. My boyfriend scheduled the appointment for me and went with me. He was so incredibly supportive, but I hated him. I hated him for getting me pregnant, I hated him for the abortion, I just hated him. I couldn’t stand to be around him because I knew I would never be able to forgive myself, or him, for what we were going through. It was honestly the hardest thing I have ever done and I still haven’t been able to forgive myself for it. I haven’t talked to anyone about it because I feel like no one will really understand what I went through and why I did it. But I know that neither of us were ready to have a baby. As hard as the decision was for us, I know it was the right decision. It was what was best for everyone involved. I know that someday, when I do decide to have children, I’ll think about the abortion and what would have happened had we decided to continue with the pregnancy and raise that baby. But I’ll also think about all the challenges of parenting and how, as a 19-year old, I am nowhere near ready to be a mom.