I was 23 when I had my abortion. My Fiance and I had been together for 6 years and had a beautiful 3 year old son. We had moved in together for the second time, after I spent 2 years at home with my parents because of financial reasons. We were living in our new place for about a year when I found out I was pregnant.
I was on the Implanon but failed to realize that it had expired the month before. I was working full time and he had lost his job and was on unemployment. We were hardly making ends meet. It took a lot of arguing, yelling, screaming and tons of tears before I finally made the decision to abort. I was so adamant to keep the baby that I went to all of my prenatal appointments for the first 13 weeks. One day I sat down and really thought about it and I knew we weren’t prepared to take on another baby with the way our finances were going and the direction our relationship was headed. February of 2012 we went to a clinic an hour away from where we live and got it done. My parents helped us pay for it and were extremely supportive, also agreeing it wasn’t the right time. The day before the abortion we stayed at a hotel and cried ourselves to sleep. The next morning we went. I remember it as a slaughter house. So many women and girls with their supporters packed into a small room going in one after the other. I remember feeling disgusted of myself for what we were going to do but I knew it was for the better. I silently cried the entire time we were there and he just held onto me so tightly. They called my name, and they wouldn’t allow him to be in the room with me for the procedure. They did an ultrasound but I refused to see it. I knew I’d change my mind and run. I was 14 weeks along. After the ultrasound they took me into a room gave me 2 ibuprofen and laid me down. I was hysterical crying. I felt like I couldn’t breathe. I remember the doctor coming in, asked if I was sure and I said yes through all my tears. The nurse asked me if I was crying because I was scared. Scared? No. I wasn’t scared. I was hurt. I was ridding of a baby I so desperately wanted but couldn’t afford to keep. I remember when they did it, it hurt. Not so much from the procedure itself but because I knew I had just killed a part of me. I left the room in a shock. I wasn’t crying anymore. I just felt empty. They got my fiance for me and I just sat there staring at him. He held me and we left. The moment we walked outside the tears came back and they didn’t stop. For months I felt worthless. I felt like the worst person in the world. No one other than my parents know what happened. They all think I had a miscarriage.
My Fiance found a job the month after the abortion and was making amazing money. We moved to a beautiful townhome and I got a better job making more money. Our son had just started preschool, and things were going wonderfully. Two weeks after the abortion I got on the Implanon again and during that pap smear they found that I had cervical cancer cells. A few months later they biopsied my cervix and a few months after that “scraped” out my cells. I waited the full 2 weeks before having intercourse again as I was instructed. December 25, 2012 we were at my inlaws house for Christmas and was telling a cousin about my stomach virus. I had been devastatingly sick for weeks. She got a pregnancy test and made me take it. It was positive.
I had a horrible pregnancy and even worse was that our daughter had many medical issues throughout the entire pregnancy. She was born at 36 weeks gestation and spent 4 months in the NICU. What once was regret and fear and a sense of worthlessness turned into happiness and peace. Had i gone through with that pregnancy I would have had two babies very close in age and with our daughter now being special needs, the situation would have been indescribably terrible. I now know for certain the decision I made was the right one for us. I still have the first ultrasound picture we ever had and I often look at it for comfort. I will always love the baby we chose to abort but I no longer feel the guilt I once did.