I became pregnant during my first semester of my sophomore year in college. I was on the varsity volleyball team and spent all the free time I had studying. It took me 9 weeks to realize I was pregnant and when I finally took the test with my best friend I wasn’t fully aware of what the seriousness of the situation was. I never thought I would be “that girl”, although no one ever thinks they are. When I found out the timeline of the pregnancy after I took the blood test, I knew it was my ex-boyfriend from last year that I had a run in with one time in the beginning of the semester.

At this point we hated each other and I was with someone else and the only thing I wanted to do was continue moving forward with my life. I knew my ex was against abortion, having previously discussed the topic while we were dating. I was hesitant to tell him because but we were not on speaking terms and I didn’t want the situation to become even more emotionally draining then it already was. However, I decided to tell him because I couldn’t go through with an abortion without him being aware of what was going on. He was very understanding and supportive during the entire process and told me that whatever I decided he would be there for me. But we both knew there was only one decision if I wanted to stay on the volleyball team and continue going to college.

The next step was to tell my parents because there was no way I was going to pay for an abortion without them seeing and I knew they were going to support me. My mom flew out and came with me to my appointment and I evacuated the pregnancy. I decided to be asleep for the procedure even though it only lasts five minutes. The full reality of what I was doing came over me when I layed down on the steel table, put my feet in the stirrups and adjusted my hips over the plastic bag that had been placed at the edge of the table. As I became aware that this was where the pregnancy would go I began to panic. The thoughts that I had successfully avoided until this moment came flooding into my head. How could I kill something that was apart of me, that hadn’t even had a chance at life. That was currently in its most innocent and vulnerable state that one can be in. It wasn’t its fault that I was not in a place to have a baby. It couldn’t control what was about to happen to it. And finally, the one thought I desperately did not want to have came into my mind as I was staring into the bright lights above me. I was killing my baby. It was supposed to happen like this. You always imagine becoming pregnant as one of the best days of your life, but this caused me incredible sadness. How could I do this and just move on with the rest of my life? As I fought back tears I was put under and woke up with an emptiness inside me that I believe will always be there.

One day when I am ready to have kids and do become pregnant and have a child there is not a doubt in my mind that I will wonder about my unborn child. I do not regret my decision but I did not make it likely and three weeks after the procedure grief still hits me. Just because I had an abortion does not mean I do not care for human life or I did not fully understand the meaning of it. I know I will move on from this experience but I will never ever forget it.