Tomorrow I will be going to my appointment for an abortion. I am 8.5 weeks. I am terrified.
The amount of emotions I feel is indescribable. I have been on birth control since I was roughly 17 due to having a severe case of Poly-cystic Ovarian Syndrome. I won’t say I have always been perfect with the timing of the day taking my birth control however I always took it. When I went in to the OB-GYN to verify the 6 positive pregnancy tests that I took the lady made a point to tell me that this baby was meant to be because I got pregnant on birth control along with having PCOS. It felt like I had been stabbed in the heart.
I am 25. I just started going back to school to pursue my Bachelor’s degree. I don’t have a career yet or the means to support myself let alone a child. I know these things and yet the thought of an abortion makes my skin crawl. I never had to decide if I was pro choice or pro life or anything since I never was put in that position…and as far as other women having abortions, I just never thought twice because it was not my business.
Tomorrow I go to take the first round pill for the abortion, it is also my boyfriend’s (the fathers) birthday. Way to spend a birthday, huh? He completely supports whatever I choose however he also chooses abortion. He is right, this isn’t the time to have a baby. I couldn’t finish school if we did. Every single plan that we have, independently and together changes. I know that he is right and I know that I am not ready…yet, I feel so terrified when I think about the abortion. I completely understand that I wouldn’t have to quit school and he wouldn’t have to forget about his dreams because a baby came but things would change drastically and timelines would be altered.
I feel so selfish. Thinking this way, the logical way, I know its the right choice…but if I know that it is the right choice then why do I feel so horrible?