I became pregnant with my first child last year in my late 30’s! I was elated and filled with an unexplained amount of love for this being simply for being a part of me. I didn’t know that my heart can open so big.

I told my boyfriend at the time and he indicated that it was a problem even though we actively tried to get pregnant. It was no accident. I vowed that I would do all I could to protect this blessing even from the father.

Everything was going well with the pregnancy or so I thought. I was elated when I neared the 1st trimester mark but that’s when I found out that something was wrong. The abdomen was growing outside of the body. This was enough information for people to suggest an abortion to me but I felt I had a responsibility to save my child. I sought specialist to determine how to save my child. I found out that the abdomen was not the only concern. The child I carried was a girl with Trisomy 18. This condition is usually viable with life. In addition to the issues with her abdomen, she had cysts in her brain and the chambers of her heart were not all fully developed. I didn’t know if she was in any pain, but surely she was sick. I wish she would go quietly in her sleep to absolve me of having to make a decision about whether to have an abortion. However, I realized that being a grown-up or parent for that matter meant that sometimes I will have to make hard choices. With a grave heart, I decided to terminate the pregnancy at 18 weeks. I had a D&E. A person near and dear to my heart died a week later. She was one of few people who knew I was carrying. I hope she cared for my child on the other side. I reminded myself that God wouldn’t give me any more than I can bear.

A few months later, I ended the relationship with my boyfriend. He was not the persons I thought he was. I was able to look at a situation in a new light. With the pregnancy I thought I was losing a blessing, but in many ways I feel as though God was protecting me the entire time. I feel so blessed not to have ties with my ex.

I conceived again this year. I was very detached and cautious throughout the experience. This pregnancy ended two weeks ago. Ironically, the heart stopped beating. I asked this of the previous pregnancy. I had another abortion, this time a D&C, to remove the contents of this pregnancy. I’ll continue to try for a family.