I was raised in the Mormon church, and had been told to always be a good girl, and learned how to be codependent at a very early age. Although I left Mormonism at the age of 17, my self esteem had suffered my entire life. This became crystal clear to me, when at the age of 35 I started dating a man who was verbally and emotionally abusive.
He had me under his narcissistic spell, and while I was being swept up in the “romance,” I became pregnant. As soon as I became pregnant, this man, who in the beginning had wanted me to conceive, later turned on me, saying that “I got pregnant” as if it happened all by myself, or that I somehow tricked him. I went to visit my family, and told them I was pregnant, though I was really not sure of what I would do. I knew that I wanted to be a mother one day, but I was very scared of this man being a father to my child. He was so abusive and self-destructive, I feared that he would harm me or my child, especially because I knew I would eventually have to break up with him and that would set him off. Much to my own sadness, I made the decision to terminate the pregnancy. When I woke up on the operating table, I put my hands over my abdomen and told my child I would see her next time. I still firmly believe that I am meant to be a mother, and that my spirit baby will come to me one day. My sweet baby just didn’t deserve to be brought into that situation. Having an abortion is not an easy decision. It is the hardest decision a person can make. But I have gone on to be healed from my codependency, and have met and married the most wonderful man. I thank god every day for sending him to me and know that I would not have met him, had I continued down the path of that destructive relationship.