I was 19 years old, and I was using an IUD, condoms, and the Depo-Provera shot, all at once. I felt sick every morning, and my breasts were sore, but I never even considered I might be pregnant.
After all, I’d done everything I was supposed to. It took 10 weeks for me to take a pregnancy test. I never thought it would be positive; I only took it to reassure myself. I took 4 more tests after the first one, and they all came back with little blue + signs. It was devastating. They say you love your baby immediately–but that isn’t true. I’ve never hated anything as much as I hated that clump of cells in my uterus. It felt like a parasite, it felt like a tumor. It was unwelcome and it was growing inside my body. I felt disgusted. How could I ever have let it become a person? No child should be hated by its mother from the very beginning. When I do decide to have children one day, I want my reaction to the little blue + sign to be joy, not fear. I got an abortion simply because I did not want to be a mother. I was not ready. Of course I don’t regret it. I don’t think about it anymore.