Three months after starting dating my now husband, I got pregnant. I found out by chance thru a blood test I took to check iron levels. I immediately wanted to terminate the pregnancy – I was 23, very early on in my relationship, in the middle of getting my degree. I had been drinking and smoking, which I thought meant the unborn baby was doomed. I told my parents who were quite supportive and asked my mom to accompany me to the hospital on the day of. Waiting for the hospital date was hard, I was mad at my boyfriend and was quite low. I mostly remember the ultra sound where there was a heartbeat, being very cold in the waiting room, and in pain as the meds started to kick in but they hadn’t put me under yet. After a few weeks, I had a mikveh ceremony with my friends to commemorate the budding life that sprouted in my body, and my decision that it wasn’t time yet. Years passed, I finished my studies, my boyfriend and I got married and all is well. The abortion still makes me sad and it makes it more charged as I’m now preparing for pregnancy. What makes it really hard is that I know I had a very supportive family and relationship, and it would’ve been ok to carry the pregnancy and have a child. I think I could’ve handled it, financially, emotionally and otherwise. But ultimately, that was my instinctive choice. I chose to terminate the pregnancy and while I can mourn it, I want to focus on the children that I will have the privilege of bringing to this world. I hope the inborn soul forgave me, and I hope I will forgive myself.