Alexis Padriga Lim, Self Portrait
i think i got pregnant on this bedspread. a queen sheet, taken from the curb outside an
anthropologie in soho.
it covered a mattress found on craigslist.
it laid on my bedroom floor, so old and sloped, it would drift like a raft in the night, from the wall
to the middle of the room.
there are bloodstains on it, from other times.
i have only missed my period once, been truly late a handful of times.
i did not miss my period the first month i was pregnant.
after the sonogram, she told me i was at 10 weeks.
(the copy and printout said 10 weeks and 2 days. it has/has my full name on it)
later, i would calculate that i must have conceived after my first ovulation back in the states.
later, i would calculate my un-due date for an exact 40 weeks would have landed on
thanksgiving of that year.
everything got gathered, stored to become wry lines of darkly ironic observation.
after, to show i was still even keeled, still wit as ever, i said that it was less invasive than going
to the dentist, because at least i could talk (or at least, answer)
the shakeshack receipt, from my first meal after.
the paragard iud
it was over two weeks since the abortion. he had finished, and pulled out, and didn’t have the
condom on. i said, are you serious, are you fucking serious. balancing my anger and his stupid
fucking feelings. i was mad-not-mad-so-mad– there was already nothing to be done, and so
much to be done. i thought, or said, we just did this, we just fucking did this. i probably barked a
mirthless laugh. he sheepishly, shamefacedly, asked me if i wanted him to get plan b. i said no.
any chance of failure was too high. i didn’t want to wait 6 weeks for mysterious bleeding to make
itself apparent. i have always been against tampering with my body.
i told him i was going to get the copper iud, the paragard.
a picture of two positive pregnancy tests.
a haiku from days before:
should i be worried you’re late
on your period? yes
Alexis Padriga Lim is a nonbinary, mixed child of immigrants, currently based in New York, but often putting the “trans” in transient. In their attempt to reappropriate photography and redirect the history of its colonial gaze, their photographic practice stems from a deep desire to compassionately document, commemorate, immortalize, describe, and represent the people and environments of their direct and adjacent communities. As someone who is often at various intersections of identity, complication and contextualization is key to their creation of rich and nuanced work. Alexis is a 2014 graduate of New York University’s Gallatin School of Individual Study, with a concentration in Photography, Narratives, and Identity. Their work has previously been displayed at the Museum of Chinese in America, and in various zines.