My pregnancy with my second child was horrible, I bled so much. I rushed to the ER one night with blood running down my legs, I was told I was having a miscarriage. I was given pain medication and sent home. Only to visit my midwife the next morning where she found a faint heart beat. My son was born healthy 7months later.

The tragedy of miscarriage however, was not over for me. I suffered a real one. At home alone with my two children while my husband was gone. The blood was overwhelming, so much blood. I got into the shower and passed out. I woke up determined not to die, not to let my children be without a mother. My husband rushed home when I made contact with him. He took me to the er, feeling broken having to walk inside with blood soaking through my clothing, pain shooting through out my body.

A year later I had a missed abortion at 20weeks. Which is a medical term. My baby died inside of me and my body failed to abort the baby. I had a D&C.

My third pregnancy, I had prepared myself would end in miscarriage. Every trip to the bathroom I took a deep breath as I wiped to prepare myself to see blood. Never did it come. Each Dr’s appointment I held my breath as they searched for the baby’s heart beat, desperately studying the nurses face for any sign of something being wrong. Only to breathe again once the sound of a galloping horse filled the room. My son was born, healthy, beautiful and with the title of our rainbow baby.

My family felt complete. The horror of miscarriages behind us. The trauma still lingered however.

I was taking birth control pills. Faithfully. But, then a blood clot appeared in my foot. The vascular specialist, hinted that the birth control pills could have been the reason. I couldn’t take the pills anymore.

I found out last summer I was pregnant. I was terrified. Not of child birth, or the responsibility, I couldn’t go through another miscarriage. I couldn’t live another 40weeks holding my breath. I could not risk being home alone with three children while my husband was at work, and deal with a sudden miscarriage. Not again. I couldn’t. I no longer had the strength inside me to endure anymore.

I told my husband my choice. He agreed, whatever I wished to do he would support.

We live in a rural area. Our state has strict laws. The closest clinic is two hours away, after making a call to the clinic, I found they were booked up for weeks. The lady I spoke to also informed me of the laws that would require me to come one day for state ordered counciling, wait 24 hours and come back if I wished to complete to procedure.

The wait list was weeks out, longer than I wanted to wait. I made calls to other clinics. All reporting the same law, and wait.

I ended up ordering the abortion pill online through the dark web.

I was terrified. I cried. I apologized to the being in my womb. I asked for forgiveness and understanding.

The pain was unbearable, the blood was so much.

My husband stood faithfully by my side as we said goodbye.

The risks of me doing what I did without medical supervision are many. I passed out, begged my husband to not call 911 no matter what happened. I could go to jail for this.

My state has laws that make abortion much harder.
Therefore women like me, who want a abortion but don’t have easy access, we still have abortions. Just not safe abortions. This must change.