There are days when I still feel guilty about my choice. Even though I know I was not ready to be a mother, and I could not financially support a child. But still every time I see billboards on the interstate about how abortion is murder, I get a knot in my stomach.
It’s important to me to acknowledge this. That it was a hard choice to make. I feel like sometimes women don’t come forward about how the regret they have about their decision, because they fear it will be used against them in the argument that abortion should be illegal.
I was 25 and married when I found out I was pregnant. We had a small house with a small yard, and a little dog. He is a kind man, a Christian man, who is not abusive in any way towards me. We were/are happy in our relationship. He also said he would never have an abortion.
And yet, when I saw that digital pregnancy test flash the word pregnant, my heart felt heavy. We couldn’t financially support a child. We had come to the conclusion that we might not even have biological children, due to several medical/psychological issues on both sides of our families.
For the first few weeks we both just tried to figure it out. We rearranged out budget, we went and looked at baby equipment, we talked about daycare options and even called a few to get put on their waiting lists. We told my entire family that we were expecting. Our first sonogram went great. My new OBGYN was very nice and accommodating. He said that my baby’s heartbeat was strong and he was implanted in perfect position. It was too soon to tell the sex, but I knew it was going to be a boy. My husband smiled and held my hand. I smiled too, but when I looked over at him, I did not see a smile in his eyes. And I knew there was not one in mine either.
We went home and went about our lives for a few days. And then one night I just broke down and cried. I cried and cried while looking at that sonogram picture. And I finally admitted to my husband that this was not something I wanted. He started crying too and said that he did not either, but had not said anything because of his personal beliefs and he didn’t want to let me down as a husband and father.
We cried all night together and talked about our options.
I was in my 9th week when he and I drove to the clinic. We prayed for God to take our baby in Heaven and raise him. I still have dreams about him playing and holding Jesus’ hand. And then I went into the procedure room. I chose to have the procedure instead of taking the abortion pill because I did not want to go through a long process.
My husband met me in the recovery room.
We both cried. We grieved. We’re still grieving.
Do I regret our choice? Sometimes. But if I went back in time, I think we would make the same decision. We could not financially support our son for him to have a good life. We were not ready to be parents.
I guess what I am trying to say is, it’s OK to feel guilty. It’s OK to feel regret. You made the right choice for you. You don’t have to feel strong and secure in your decision all the time, every day. You are not alone.