It was a pretty big plate, surely enough to satisfy me. I finished my plate of food, and immediately, I thought about how good a sandwich would be. I got up and made myself the sandwich and sat down to eat. Once I finished, I thought about how good some ice cream would be. I got up, served myself ice cream, and scarfed it down. After that, I thought about how good a brownie would be. This all took place within 30 minutes. And I ate more than I would normally eat in an entire 24 hours. I just knew. I knew I was pregnant. It all made sense. My boobs were horribly sore…so sore, I couldn’t even touch them. They were swollen. I was definitely filling my bra out more than usual. I had gained some weight. I immediately went out and bought a three-pack of pregnancy tests. I figured I would take them all the next morning, since the pregnancy hormone is higher in your first pee of the day. They were all immediately positive, I didn’t even have to wait the full 30 seconds.

I’m 20, barely about to turn 21. I’m a first-generation American. My parents expected me to finish college, and not only that, they expected me to excel in college. My boyfriend and I were nowhere near financially stable. His brother had also gotten his girlfriend pregnant and they had announced their pregnancy a few weeks prior. We were right around the same time. When I did the math, it turned out I was pregnant the three weeks in a row where I drank heavily. I just couldn’t disappoint my parents.. I didn’t want a baby yet, I wasn’t ready. My boyfriend wouldn’t have understood. He didn’t think abortion was ever the answer. All the drinking I had done, what if it affected my baby?

Everything was pointing to abortion. I told my best friend and I went by myself. The first time I went, they couldn’t see anything on the ultrasound. At first, they used the device they put on your tummy. Then they told me to undress from the waist down. No one beside my boyfriend had ever seen me naked. I hadn’t been to the gynecologist. They inserted the wand inside and they still couldn’t see anything. They told me it was either I wasn’t pregnant, I wasn’t far along enough, or I had an ectopic pregnancy. I knew I was pregnant, so I was hoping I had an ectopic pregnancy. This way, an abortion was something I HAD to do. That, or I was hoping for a miscarriage. Anything to not have to resort to getting an abortion and keeping it a secret. As it turns out, I just wasn’t far along enough. I had to come back in a week. It was so hard to keep my eating “normal” and to hide my boobs, and my weight gain, along with my wincing. I experienced some pains in my stomach that was rather obvious.

I had plenty of time to imagine how my baby would look, if I chose to keep. My boyfriend’s best features paired with mine. I think my baby was a boy. I figured out when I got pregnant, it was during my vacation with my boyfriend. I calculated my approximate due date. I had way too much time to think.. But still, there was no way. Now was just not the time.

I went back and there it was. I was 7 weeks and 2 days along. I chose the less invasive option, taking the pill. The first pill, the doctor has to give to you. They tell you that that pill stops giving the baby the nutrients in order to survive.. This is what kills it. Then you’re prescribed meds. A pill that sheds your uterine lining and pain meds. I had to take the second pill a few hours after the doctor gave me the first. I was told to wear a pad since this method was just like having a very heavy period. I woke up in the middle of the night in pain. It hurt to move. I couldn’t reach for my pain meds. Thankfully, I was sleeping next to my best friend in the same bed. I’m even more thankful she’s a light sleeper since I was only able to say her name a little bit louder than a whisper. After I took the pain med, I went to the bathroom since I felt this urge to push. I suddenly felt relief and I looked in the toilet and saw I had passed the fetus. I felt physically relieved, as well as mentally relieved. The months after were rough. Physically and emotionally.

To this day, only my best friend knows. I’m better now. I don’t regret my decision at all. More than anything, I regret I was so careless to begin with which resulted in my pregnancy. I’m still with my boyfriend. He still doesn’t know about my pregnancy. This was the hardest lesson I’ve ever had to learn. My life is forever changed.