My 1 in 3 story. This election has bothered me like no other one ever. Many reasons…. all the hate; racist remarks & attacks on people who are different; the horrific sexual remarks against women. The attacks against Planned Parenthood & then the relentless attacks against women who have had an abortion. That horrific debate when Trump spoke of babies being ripped out of Mother’s wombs at full term.
My story goes back over 45 years to 1971. Maybe a total of 10 people know this secret. Only one of my best friends right now know it. I was 18 years old. I had just graduated from high school a few months prior. I made maybe $2.00 per hour. I lived at home with my parents. I had been dating a new guy that summer. I was trying to heal my broken heart. My childhood sweetheart & I had broken up our senior year to date others. Then we were to get back together & get married after we graduated. But instead he met a new girl… she become pregnant & they got married before we even graduated. So I went wild that summer. Drinking, experimenting with drugs & sex that summer.
By August I found out I was pregnant. I did not love the guy. He did not want the baby. He went to the library to get me books on abortion to read. I think they had 3 of them. I read them but didn’t want to do it. BUT I did not have the nerve to tell my parents. Abortion was not legal in NC. My sister lived in PA. Her husband was a doctor. He & my sister talk me into it & found me a doctor where he worked. The books I read claimed as long as I did it ASAP it was not a baby yet. Those books made me believe it would not be murder. I didn’t believe in what I was going to do… I just knew I could not tell my Mother. So I flew to PA.
Until I had to write a letter explaining why I wanted the procedure I didn’t really understand. But the words stared flowing out. There was no way I could support a baby by myself on what I made. I had not lived yet how could I support & take care of a baby. I knew it would not be fair to the child. The father would never help. It would just be my parents & me. Plus that fear of telling my parents was so great. My parents were older than most of my friends parents. I just could not do this to them. My Mother never worried about one of us getting cancer & dying. She just worried about one of us getting pregnant before we were married.
It was my Mother that made me realize I was late. God bless her… she knew when my periods were. So as soon as I realized I was late I was at a doctor in Mt. Holly with a jar of urine. Within a week I was in PA.
I had never been to an OB Dr before. I was sure young & dumb! But the first OB that worked at the clinic where my Brother-n-law worked was a jerk. He wanted to admit me to the physic ward for a week first. So my sister told him off & we left. Victor called my sister’s OB & he was great. He did it that Monday for just the charges of the hospital. All I had to do was bring the letter. I never heard a heartbeat. I do not remember if I was told how far along I was. I just know it was all a whirlwind. Before I knew it I was back home & praying every day that God would forgive me. It was never the same with the guy. We were friends for awhile. About 5 year later, I met someone new & got married. A few years later I was pregnant. I was scared to death God would punish me for what I had done. I prayed non stop for a healthy baby.
Thank Goodness she was perfect. But I still prayed & worried every time she got sick. I have never forgotten what I had done. Every September which was the month I had the abortion. Every April-May when it would have been born. I knew God had forgiven me but I could never fully forgive myself.
I had finally gotten better that when all the pro-life crap started. It was so hard to read billboards & bumper stickers calling me a murderer. Many times I had to pull off the road in tears from reading them. I learned to never discuss abortion with anyone who was against it. I got too emotional & you cannot have a secret & debate at the same time.
For over 45 years I have cried & thought about a child I never had. I look at my beautiful daughter & her children. If I had not had the abortion & had a child at 18 unmarried…. then I doubt I would have ever met her Dad & had her. I cannot imagine my life without her in it. I do not know what direction my life would have taken me. I do know I was destined to be a single mother. But I was older, more mature & settled at work when I chose that road to take.
When my daughter became pregnant the first time she showed me a website to follow the development by weeks. That was when I realized for the first time that what I was told back in 1971 could have been incorrect. I believe it wasn’t a fully formed baby. But now I can see both sides of the argument.
I will always agree it is a woman’s choice to do what she thinks is best. It is a decision between a woman & her God. Because I tell you from experience…. if you have a caring heart you will carry your decision with you always.
For over 45 years I have remembered a child I did not have. I have felt guilty when I hear of couples trying to have children & cannot. I have felt anger & sadness at what the pro-lifers call people like me. I felt total anger at Trump for wanting to punish me. BELIEVE ME Trump… I have punished myself enough already. I do not need you to do it anymore.
I know that God had a plan for my life. My daughter was in that plan. Along with my wonderful parents. I took care of them both until their deaths. So since their passing they both now know the deep dark secret I kept from them. I feel their love, understanding & support. I explained what I had done to my daughter when she was old enough to understand. I will do the same to my wonderful grandchildren when they are old enough.