I ended my third pregnancy in early November 2014. My first pregnancy was at 16 with a man that I was with on and off and ended in miscarriage. I never told him and have yet to tell him to this day. I was 4 months along.

My second pregnancy was at 28, three years into what would be a 10 year marriage of marrying a Jekyll and Hyde. I have a beautiful 7-year-old daughter that I love very much and would lay down in front of a train for. I miss her every day I don’t see her and work hard to make sure she has what she deserves. Her father gets child support from me and refuses to work full time.

I was 34 when I got pregnant a third time. When I showed my former husband the test, he said, “what are you going to do about it?” Our daughter was approaching six, our marriage was in shambles and I was over the moon I was pregnant again. He left for the evening 10 minutes after saying he needed to “think” about it.

The next day, he texted, yes, texted, me during work, “go to the clinic on campus ASAP and get an abortion. I do not want you to have another baby by/with me.” I was devastated. When he came home the night before, he was happy and discussing names, gender, a chance to revive our relationship.

I went to the clinic, the OB was sensitive to my situation. She understood that given my position with the university and the high level profile, I could not “think” about it, I was already “showing”. I opted for the medical procedure so I wouldn’t be out of work for too long. I was the only working adult in my house.

This is the worst part. My former husband refused to offer any support, of any kind. He told me to”get over it” three days after I took the second pill and was still bleeding and in pain. Not to mention still being a Mom to a very active five-year-old. The ultra sound tech, not aware of my situation, swung the monitor in my face and said, “there’s your baby!” I started bawling. She apologized and later demanded a policy change that techs are to be informed. My state is liberal, women aren’t required to be tortured about making the choice in my state.

I went through the whole process alone and sad. It took me a full year to tell my sister, my best friend. To this day, my mom still doesn’t know and prods me to ask my partner to reverse his surgery.

I’ve been in weekly therapy for a year now. My abortion has come up several times. It doesn’t get better with time, I simply feel the pain has dulled.

I’ve always been pro choice and always will be. Making the choice is the most difficult decision a woman has to make, especially when she was so happy to be pregnant again after being told it was highly unlikely.

I would have lost my job if anyone at the university knew I had an abortion. Yes, it’s a public school, but I work with people who are extremely conservative. The fact my marriage had failed and I’m battling my former husband for custody is enough most of my peers to look down on me.

Sometimes women have to make a choices they rather not make. It’s not not selfish, birth control or whoops. It’s about sometimes being able to move forward in life.

And learning from the pain.