Children. Abortion. Religion. Health. All of these were factors. My first sexual experience was not pleasant, nor was it common. Most of my friends began having sex around age 13, I was 17 and still a Virgin. In the late 90’s this was uncommon, especially for a popular cheerleader. However, it was against my beliefs to have sex outside of marriage and I was determined to keep to that regimental belief. Being young, dumb, and well feeling caged, I believed marriage was my way out, to freedom, I believed I was in love and that I could handle it all. I became engaged at the young age of 16, felt like a Barbie doll, going to the ball. It was fun, and made other girls jealous, my parents were furious and I was positively ecstatic. Freedom, Independence, More popular than before, with my whole life in front of me planned out to perfection. From straight A’s to Mrs. Prince Charming, then off to Medical School to fulfill my calling. Two children please a boy and a girl, not too close, but close enough in age to be friends. The house, the car, the job, the husband, oh I would have it all. Then doubt took over, and freedom looked fleeting, colleges were calling, and fun seemed to be the new “it”. I made a decision, quick as lightning, rash? Maybe, but thoughtful now, I was finally thinking. School first, freedom, fun. A few years to grow up, then I would be ready to walk down the aisle. I received my scholarship letter in January, just before the end of school. I accepted and even went for a weekend tour to pick my dorm and get all situated. I returned home to find, someone had betrayed me and told my boyfriend of my plans. He was older by almost 3 years, had graduated, and been working for years. He ranted and raved, he threw things, and cried, he called me a liar, and told me so many lies. I was hurt, I was angry, I was shocked, I was betrayed. He loved me, he hated me, he was for me, he was not. So, rashly I said good bye my love, I will move forward. I slipped off the ring, to the key, to our would-be HOME, and returned it. A week passed, then two, but before it was three, he knocked on my parents door, and surprised me. He looked so sad, so broken and beat down, I could not say no when he asked to come in. Once inside and knowing we were alone, he carried out his plan. To FORCE me to be his own. We yelled and we argued, he hit me, he cursed me, he called me a whore, he took from me my self love, my worth, and my desire. He took and he took the day everything I did not want to give. He planned, and he waited, for my period to be ending. He read and studied, and counted his days, he got me pregnant, to keep me to stay. I hated him, I loved him, I was confused by him, I was enraged by him. I told no one, I did nothing. I thought if I kept it all inside, if no one knew, then somehow I would be able to make it not true. I wanted so much to be pure again. I knew it was not my fault, nor that my worth as a person had changed, I knew who I was, where I was going, and what I believed, however, the intellectually in me would not let me lie to myself enough to believe. I knew I ws different, not bad, not good. I knew I was messed up, from then on, for good. I knew there was no way, to reverse the facts, to change my virginity, to re-do that one thing. I lost a lot that day, but it was not until 5 weeks later that I realized how much I would pay. My period time came, and went, without notice, then one day I was working out and passed out, when I woke up to a crowd, I was embarrassed and scared. There were questions, comments, and answers in the air. I tried to hide the truth of it all, I was scared to tell, I never would you know. I finally decided to find out the truth, I scheduled a visit to planned parenthood. My parents were strict, controlling, and but true, I need someone, to make an excuse. I talked to a teacher, a friend and a confidant, they lied, they cheated, they helped me get through. Positive, was what the nurse told me that day, you are going to have a baby, it is on the way. After thought, and deliberation, I knew what I had to do, against my religion, against my beliefs, against all I was taught and all that I knew, I was a woman, with a choice, a woman with a plan, a strong woman that would not be able to look at a child she had brought to this world and ever. ever let it go. I also was a woman that refused to live a life of misery, anger, resentment or regret; I knew a baby made of anger, and not love, would never be a child I could unconditionally love. Unfair, and wrong many say, at least I am honest, with myself each day. I made an appointment, and again my teacher lied, my excuse seemed valid and my lie back in line. Traumatic, and lonely, sick, and tired, I pushed through with my daily normal activities after. I ended up loosing a lot of blood due to my inability to tell anyone, my fear, and my job was strenuous and lifting was a large portion of it, daily. I almost ended up back in the hospital after all. However, I made it through, I survived and it is many, many years later. I have a single child, that is loved and adored. He is my world, but every now and again my mind wanders to the child I could have had and my God would have been honored. Mistakes I have made, many throughout life. But, lessons were learned, the hard way that day. I have grown and changed and still hold on to my values, my beliefs guide me daily, but my attitude and outlook have changed. I am now more tolerant of those around me, compassionate, caring, but most surprisingly to most, unjudging. I am very set to my life terms and beliefs, now I realize it is your job to decide on yours. not mine. Just what exactly do you believe? Who do you trust? Who will guide you? I have friends and loved ones that support me when needed, they know of my feeling, and still don’t believe it. I hope if you’re reading this it helps you to discover, what you do, what you don’t, what you will, what you wont. And how to make choices for bettr or for worse.