I always thought I’d know what I would do if I ever got pregnant at a young age which would be just to simply have an abortion. A simple procedure then problem solved. What I didn’t realize was how I would actually feel when I was confronted with being pregnant. Being a 22-year-old uni student, living with friends, drinking and partying. I first suspected I was pregnant one night at work when I realized the whole week I had no energy, was napping after uni, eating like crazy and my boobs were sore. I couldn’t remember the last time I had my period, this is when I went and purchased a pregnancy kit from the supermarket. Two positive test later I thought it must be a mistake, surely I couldn’t be.
The next day after work I went to the doctors and had a blood test. I couldn’t get the results until after the weekend due to work and social commitments therefore I had to wait. I thought about what I would do if it came back positive but by that stage I was pretty certain that I was.
The father wasn’t my boyfriend and we had only known each other a few weeks before having a one night stand. I didn’t know what he would say so I thought it would be best not to involve him. I spoke to a few friends who had to make the same decision, they told me that I needed to be selfish and not have the baby. I felt I couldn’t go to my family as my dad would be so disappointed and my mum and sister would have wanted me to keep it.
One day after receiving confirmation from the doctor I found a clinic that did day surgery abortions and made an appointment for the end of the week. All I wanted was for it to be over. At this stage I had decided I would tell the guy who’s baby it would have been. When I went to call him I just couldn’t do it. I didn’t know what he’d say, how he’d react and mostly I didn’t want to be a burden on his life.
It was the longest, hardest week of my life. I felt so alone and I still do. After I had the abortion I felt so relieved like a massive weight had been lifted off my shoulders. I went and spent the weekend with my family, not thinking about it again until four days later. That’s when it started to sink in what I had done.
I feel like I took the easy way out and let other people influence a decision that was mine to make. The whole time all I wanted was someone to pull me aside and ask me if I really wanted to go through with it. I needed more time; no one should make sure a serious decision in a week.
I hate the stigma that surrounds abortion. I feel dirty and guilty consumes me everything I say the word. It makes me feel like a horrible person who made a decision based off what other people would have thought.
Two months later I feel little relief. I am a happy person and anyone who knows me would have no clue the pain I’m going through dealing with this. I am constantly reminded of what I could have had. Often I think of my baby, I picture that it would have been a boy. Trying to forget about what happened but i’m still so sad. I wish I could go back and change my decision but I can’t and I don’t know how to live with that.