I am part of the 1 in 3. I have had an abortion, and I don’t regret it one bit. I see this shaming campaign going on, trying to belittle women that made decisions over their bodies that they felt was best for THEM. I’m going to share my story, because I feel it’s important to spread the message that it’s okay to have an abortion. Back in 2011, I was 20, looking for love. I didn’t feel much love at home, and I felt unworthy and like I was destined to be single forever. I was online dating, meeting random men online. I was in no way being safe when I arranged these meetings. I was so desperate, so lonely. One day while on a dating app, I met this guy who lived a few hours from me. He seemed nice enough, cute even. We talked for about a month or two. Eventually, I decided that I’d get a hotel room for 4th of July weekend and have him come down, so we could actually spend time together. I had anxiety all of that day, waiting for him to show up. My stomach was in knots. He showed up, he was pretty nice, manners and all. We went to the hotel, hung out some, watched TV. At some point, we had sex. Go ahead and judge, but I was in a fragile state. I was so desperate for love.
Looking back, I feel pity for myself. I started realizing that the only thing I was for this guy was free sex. If I spoke to anyone on the phone and they asked where I was, he would tell me that it was none of their business. I had to leave the hotel room to speak to my friend, in order to avoid questioning. The only time he was nice to me was when he got tired of his laptop and wanted to have sex. And I gave in. It’s like I wasn’t even thinking logically anymore. I felt like I wasn’t even inside of my own body anymore. Afterwards, he just smiled and said, “What if I got you pregnant?” I immediately tried to get a way out, to get the Plan B pill. I have no idea how I did it, but I did. And I shouldn’t have gone back to the hotel room, I should have gone in, grabbed my things, and left. But I didn’t. I wish I could go back and yell at myself. But I can’t. I overhear him on the phone, talking about how he’d been in jail before, how he’s going to break someone’s arm. Let me add, he had a huge temper. I even had to lock myself in the bathroom to avoid him and his advances. I could see that he would be abusive in the future, seeing that he already kept me from speaking to my family and friends, and would go through my phone, only to rub in my face in the morning. I keep asking myself why I let someone do this to me. Why didn’t I run when I was given the chance? The last day comes, and I pack my bags, he drops me off at my house. A few weeks later, I take a pregnancy test. Positive. I cry my eyes out; alone.
Around that time, I also discovered this guy I had spent the weekend with had been in jail for sexual battery when he was nineteen. The girl was fourteen. He was a registered sex offender. Not only did I confront him about this, but also dropped the bomb that I was pregnant. Then I turned into the bad guy for digging up his dirt. Funny enough, he at first said it wasn’t his baby. Then he said I should move in with him and marry him. No thanks. But then he immediately got angry when I said I couldn’t do that, and that I thought about terminating. He said I’d be a “bitch of a mother” and that all I had to do “was carry the thing”. He also had people text my phone saying, “I know who you’ve been sleeping around with. You’re a slut.” I went ahead with the abortion. Set my appointment up. I had a few people for support, they’ll never know how much they helped me. I took the abortion pill route when I was 9 weeks along. I opted out of the pain pills; I felt I deserved to be in pain. That I was a bad person. I just look back and feel awful that I felt I wasn’t good enough, that I was a failure. After everything was done and over with, I received a text asking, “How many weeks are you?”, From yours truly. I never replied. Soon after, I changed my number. Did I make some stupid mistakes, yes I did. Did I deserve to suffer, no. We are all humans, we are not perfect. We stumble, we fall, but I’ve picked myself up. I know I am worthy, I am someone special in this world.