I am 29. I found out that I was pregnant after I felt my breasts felt sore and I had nausea. I went to the doctor immediately.

I’m also a hypochondriac so I don’t have patience to troll WebMD for symptoms. The doctor revealed it to me as if she thought I would be ecstatic. I started crying, screaming “Oh my God, can you please check again? I beg you”.

On the bus home, I felt my belly and apologized to whatever was inside me. I was mad, anxious, extremely sad. I called up the Planned Parenthood clinic in Seattle and scheduled the abortion.

I usually am an independent woman who makes a decision and fully takes charge to take care of crisis. I was really happy with myself on how well I was handling it. I was in complete ‘let’s fix this’ mode.

The day came and I took an Uber to the clinic. I checked in and had breakfast so my energy would be up for whatever I was about to go through. After I got my ultrasound picture, I saw the tiny formation of an embryo. I wished it paradise and was ready to endure the next steps. I was fed a cocktail of drugs and at this point, I did not have any sensation. Everything felt fluid. I told the nurse I was nervous…the doctor performing the procedure was so quick that I had nervousness if she was rushing it. She said I could go to the recovery room to rest.

That night…I hated my life. I was so anxious that I was hoping to rewind or have more time for the decision.

My body was lifeless.. I truly hope God can forgive me. I was stupid and was not ready. I recently started self loathing again. I’m worried for myself and my health constantly. So much that I feel it’s bothering people around me.

I don’t regret the decision. I regret my recklessness and my immaturity. I see kids now. I see their mom’s…maybe one day I might have one again. I hope I’ll be ready.