I am one month away from my 40th birthday. I am a single mom of 2 boys that I have shared custody with their father.

I found out I was pregnant after I had been seeing someone for a couple months before he moved back to South America. He was still in college and living with his parents and was in a work abroad program. I ended up miscarrying in the first trimester and was devastated because I have 2 healthy kids whom I love.

A couple months after the miscarriage, I traveled to Chile to see my boyfriend and while drinking wine and being careless and subconsciously both wanting another child because of all the grief we felt from the miscarriage, I conceived again.

I didn’t find out until I came back to the States that I was pregnant. He is very young, 24, which is a pretty typical age to be a father, but never really having lived on his own while Id been on own and been married, divorced, etc. I really loved him and thought that he would be a good partner but this time he started being verbally abusive saying that he wasn’t sure that he wanted to be with me, but being from Chile where abortion is illegal, that wasn’t even an option for him. I panicked after being so sick for a month and trying to get kids to soccer practice and being alone without a partner and weak from the first miscarriage that I scheduled an appointment for an abortion just out of the fear of being abandoned. I now really regret my decision and I have so much guilt that it is hard to get through my day. I keep thinking about that little life that I took away out of my own fear of abandonment and fear of being loved. Needless to say. I also lost my partner who I had planned on getting married to so that he could stay in the country and we could be together as a family. Children are a gift and they are the best thing that can happen to anyone and I am afraid that I will not get that chance again because I am going to be 40. Everything just seemed to happen so fast , and at the time I had no one to talk to. I don’t think that I will ever heal from this experience of loss and guilt. I know that it would’ve all worked out but now I feel like I made the worst decision possible.