I was 22, engaged to someone that had no intention of ever marrying me, had me engaging in sexual acts with other women for him so he was able to sleep with them as well, cheated on me and treated me like a dog. He was an alcoholic drug addict and had me doing whatever he wanted. I had no idea of who I was or what I was even doing half the time. I found out I was pregnant, and knew at that moment I was going to have an abortion.
Here’s my story of realization and heartbreak that made me the caring mother I am today.
I had never been pregnant and thought I had a stomach flu when I couldn’t hold down anything. When I vomited profusely at the first smell of alcohol, food or any smell I found offensive…that’s the moment I actually knew. I didn’t tell him immediately and drove to the closest Rite-Aid for a test…I actually bought two. When the line appeared almost instantly, I crawled into a bathtub full of scalding water, I believe at that moment I honestly thought I could somehow wash away the pregnancy and realized I was crying, not tears, but an endless waterfall.
On the next night I gathered the courage and told him. He was almost expectant and told me he would stand by my decision, whatever it was. His behavior the next few days told me how well he would stand by me if I were to carry this baby. He went out every night, stayed smashed and did more than his weight in cocaine.
I called an abortion clinic in another state the very next day who couldn’t get me in until the following week and they asked if I could have the pregnancy dated. I was horrified to find I was already 15 weeks. How could I not have known for that long! The cutoff age for this clinic was 16 weeks. I asked how private it was going to be when I walked into the clinic, they assured me no one would be there to throw anything at me or scream horrible things… What a rude awakening it was on that day…it was an anniversary day for Roe vs. Wade. There was a massive banner hanging on the clinic and I’m sure protesters from two states over were there. They were pro-life “Christians” and I’ve never been so humiliated, judged, called names that couldn’t have been further from the truth and yes there were death threats and I was scared beyond belief by people who were raised just as I was.
Yes this is almost too perfect a story, but it is my truth. I felt everything, the actual gestational age was 15 weeks and 6 days. It was horrible, because of my own ignorance and the guilt I carried for making the best possible decision for myself.
I now have two children that I adore and can devote all my attention and love to. I don’t regret my decision, however I do feel the guilt that is associated with the stigma of having an abortion. I’m still not comfortable with telling anyone that goes to my church. They make their point completely by harassing and judging women like the ones who started this campaign instead of showing love and acceptance. It’s just the way they were raised. Hopefully this will change all of that!
Thanks for letting me share my story.