My mouth began to open wide like a scream and I couldn’t shut it at all.
I looked like a horror movie monster, like my jaw would be ripped off and fall at my feet. I was 6 weeks pregnant and couldn’t stop throwing up. So much so I had a puke bag in my car, which I could barely drive without the spins. I threw up on myself in traffic. I was apparently allergic to the medication I was given to prevent the nausea from my unwanted pregnancy. People stared and pulled their children closer in the ER waiting room as my mother signed me into the waiting room as I stood next to her with my arm over my mouth, face red and streaked with tears. I could barely breathe, and couldn’t speak, and it felt like my jaw would rip off. When I was brought in the curtain had to be closed to keep the staff from staring. A man who was brought in next to me went into cardiac arrest, and even with the sound of his flatline, nurses had paused to stare at me as he laid there dying. They brought him back thankfully. When I had to swallow spit I had to push down on my head and up on my jaw and my teeth would rattle together. I was horrified. Luckily, the doctor had seen this before. A dystonic reaction to the medication. She gave me a shot of benadryl and in a couple sleepy hours I was no longer a freak show. I was however still pregnant. 6 weeks and 1 to go before my procedure. I was a little nervous but it had to be done. I was 20 years old and in college. My boyfriend, a lovable but too intelligent shut-in had nothing to offer me or my future child. He was unable to keep himself above water financially, and I knew I would not raise a child who’s life was worth the preciousness of life. I didnt know who I was, I couldnt teach someone else. I felt stupid for thinking the plan B would work, and stupid that I had unprotected sex with him to make him happy. I felt inadequate because my body reacted badly to hormonal birth controls. I knew what the right choice for me, my family, and the planet was. Abortion. I showed up the next week sick as a dog, my supportive mother and I. I wasnt sure if I wanted the operation or pill so I spoke to the nurses inside. They were helpful and fun and said that the immediacy of the “operation” was nice. I went with that. They put in the speculum, gave me a numbing shot, and put in a thing that looked like a turkey baster. I made jokes with the staff as it was happening. There was mild pressure and it was done within 10 minutes. I was surprised when they told me it was over. They told me of their experiences with abortion and I felt comforted. I asked to see what was removed from me. They put the blood clot on a small tray. It was the size of a nickel and had nothing that would make me think of a human being. “Thats it?” “Thats what everyone is making a big deal about?” The nurse smiled and told me that truths about human conception are often distorted. I smiled and sat on a large pad in the waiting room. I was given an apple juice box and 2 oreos, and my mom came in. She looked nervous, and sat next to me. “It’s done” I said. “Already?” she said, a little teary eyed and gave me a hug. We talked a little and I went home. My boyfriend ended up paying for half, and we broke up shortly after when he got fired, sold his car, and began squatting at an animal cage of an old zoo and becoming a mountain man that shit in the woods. I really wish I was kidding. But I don’t regret having an abortion. I don’t regret putting my life first for once.