Online Dating
by Alex Franka, Advocates for Youth,
Program Associate, AmbienteJoven.Org
During the last decade, more and more young people have gained access
to the Internet. Now it is rare to find a young person that does not have access
to the virtual world behind the screen of a computer.
One of the most coveted places for a young person to be is chat rooms. Chat
rooms have revolutionized the way people meet, and have the extra ingredient
of giving you the opportunity to talk—in real time, with people that
otherwise you would not meet: people from other cities, other schools, other
countries, other cultures.
These chat rooms, which can be hosted by big companies or by small firms, have
a space for everybody to fit in: it does not matter what your interests are,
there will always be a chat room for you and people willing to establish communication
just to exchange messages, to establish a friendship, or to meet in person.
From all the rooms you can find in online chat services, the friendship
and romance rooms are the most popular -- sometimes outnumbering the rooms
for other
topics. Subsequently, Advocates for Youth's online peer advisors have gotten
more and
more questions about the "dos and don'ts" of meeting someone from the chatrooms "IRL"—in
real life.
What should you consider when you want to meet someone online for romance
or friendship? What are the dangers of meeting in person? How can you know
if
the person chatting on the other end is really who he or she claims to be?
This article is designed to help you find answers to these and other questions,
so that you can be armed with enough information to make the best decision.
What
Can Be Behind a Nickname?
This is a
question most people don't think that much about. Most
will just read the nickname and the brief description
or profile of the person and exchange pictures. After
all,
why would the other person lie or distort who he or
she is? If he or she is interested in meeting someone,
the
most obvious thing to do is to be honest, right? Well,
there are many reasons the other person could be lying
to you, and that is why you have to keep on asking
questions and pay attention to the answers.
The fact that someone's nickname is "fab_blond", does not necessarily
mean that he or she is blond. Maybe he or she is someone who would like to
be blond, who likes blond people, who likes the music from Blondie, who smokes
blond cigarettes, whose last name is Blond, and so on. The same could happen
with someone whose nickname is "astro_boy." Maybe he is not even
a boy, maybe he is a grown up man or a woman posing as a young person. Maybe
this "astro_boy" is into astrology or into astral experiences. This
is something you won't know just by reading the profile of the person—often,
profiles can be very deceiving. To know the truth, you must ask a lot
of questions and pay close attention to the answers.
Another important thing to consider is that people often reflect
their "alter
egos" in their nicknames. They use nicknames that in one way or another reflect
what they would like to be, or what they think they should be. They want to
project in their nickname their "best self." For example, someone by the
nickname of "sexystud", might be someone who in real life does not
feel comfortable with his image, so he will project his "best self" or "ideal
self" in his nickname. Going back to the example of "fab_blond",
maybe this person's dream or ideal is to be blond, even though in real
life his/her hair color is charcoal black.
Let's not forget that we live in a society that perpetuates the false
notion that image is everything. And, because of this, some people might
not feel
that they fit in society's image standards. So, they will go online and
pretend to be something that they're not. Some people will even go to
the extent of
using a picture that is not theirs.
Do's and Don'ts
of Online Friendship and Romance
- Don't give your real name,
phone, address, or exact location to anybody online.
You have no guarantees that the person you're chatting
with online is what he/she claims to be. Remember
that there are a lot of predators online. They can be
charming and friendly, but may actually be looking for a victim
that would disclose personal information to them.
Later they may use that information for purposes other
than meeting for a coffee. If you want to give your location
for chatting purposes, you can use a very general
regional location. For example, instead of saying that
you are in such and such neighborhood, city, or region, you
might want to say, "I live in LA" or "I live
north of LA."
- Don't give away your phone
number. If you really want to talk with the person
you just chatted with try to find a way that
he/she won't get a hold of your phone number. For example,
activate the phone number blocking featured —if
offered by your telephone company. Or, purchase
a phone card to call from a pay phone. Don't
call him/her
collect,
since your phone number will appear on their
bill. Taking the step of disclosing your phone
number or
calling someone you met online is a serious step
you really need to think about.
- Your picture, another delicate
issue… Well, if you're really thinking about
posting your picture online you have to think first
that anybody can right click on it and save it on their
hard drive. And, even if the page where your pic is
posted has some coding that disables this mouse function,
a copy of your pic can be stored automatically in the
Temporary Internet Files folder of anybody's hard drive.
Unless you're absolutely sure you don't care where
your picture might end up, you should not post your
picture online. Not a picture of yourself, and not
a picture of yourself with someone else —unless
you have gotten their permission first.
- Pay close attention to
the veracity of the information you're getting
from the person you are chatting with. If you're chatting
with someone who says that he/she drives a Mercedes,
lives in a loft, and goes skiing to the Swiss Alps
with the family, but at the same time is chatting
through a computer at a cyber café, chances are this
person is not being honest and might be trying to lure
you by saying things you might want to hear—things
that sounds nice and inviting. Just as people like
to brag in person when they're at a party, some
might take advantage of the anonymity of the Internet
to
brag even more. After all, no one is there to see
them in real life. Once again, paying close attention
to
the information you're getting might be useful
to identify a con or an adult who's trying to pose
as
a young person.
Young people might drive a Mercedes (their dad's),
but they'd probably rather go to California with
their friends than to the Swiss Alps with their
parents.
- Don't give too much information
about yourself at first. Save your personal information
for last; and if you feel that the person at the
other end is either asking you for too much information
or giving you too much information about him/herself
it is time for you to distrust, and even to think about
moving on to chat with someone else. When someone
is really interested in getting to know you, the chat
will flow smoothly, and you will notice that each
thread of the conversation is not a forced one but a
natural one. Also, if you feel you're being asked very personal
information you don't feel comfortable disclosing,
don't hesitate to disconnect with that chatter.
Some chat services even allow you to "rate" the overall
performance of that specific chatter and you can
even write an E-mail to the chat service letting
them know
about the behavior of this person. Then, they will
take measures such as banning this person from
the chat room or redirecting them to the right room.
- This last paragraph also
applies to you. Use appropriate wording/behavior
in chat rooms. If you are "naughty," you will
attract "naughty" and maybe even dangerous people.
You will also lower the respect others might have
towards you online.
When, How, Where, and If to Meet?
Okay, you have
been chatting with someone for a while now, and think
you want to meet IRL (In Real Life). Proceed with caution.
Have you asked enough questions online? Have you spoken
over the phone? Can you be certain that you will be safe
if you meet this person IRL? Are you sure that this person
is really a young person? Have all of the conversations
between you made sense—do his/her answers about
himself/herself add up? Did you feel uncomfortable during
any of the conversations?
Did you ever feel like he/she was pushing you to disclose
things about yourself? Think twice before meeting with
anyone you've met online.
What Now?
If you decide
to meet, begin by having realistic expectations.
Sometimes people are one way online or on the phone, and a completely
different way in person. Shy people or people that
in person would never start a conversation or lead
a conversation
might find useful the anonymity of chat rooms to
express
themselves. The fact that someone is talkative and
has an interesting conversation does not mean you'll
get the
same IRL. Oftentimes, people don't look in person
the same way they looked in their pictures. Sometimes
people will
use old pictures, that don't reflect how they look
like now. Be sure to get a recent picture if you're
planning
to meet IRL with the person.
If You Decide
to Meet, Be Careful:
- Always take a friend with
you. There is safety in numbers. Your friend may
be able to assess the situation better than you can—with
a clear head and few expectations. Later you can discuss
this new person together—assess his/her attitude
and discuss whether you were both comfortable with
this new person.
- Always meet in a public
space. Never agree to meet in someone's home
or somewhere far from public activity, such as parking lots, quiet
areas of parks, or the suburbs. This is for your
own
protection. A great place to meet can be a busy
coffee shop or a busy area at the mall. The idea is to make
it as public as you can.
- Don't agree to meet "a
relative" or "a friend" of the person you're supposed
to meet. If he/she says that he/she can't be on
time but that a friend will be there waiting for
you,
simply don't go. And if you attend and the person
you meet
does not look at all like the picture, leave immediately.
Chances are this is a predator that set a trap
for you.
- Don't make plans with your
date for him/her to pick you up somewhere. The
best idea is to get to the final destination on your own.
You never know what can happen inside the car.
The same rule applies for when the date is over; take
your own transportation instead of accepting a ride
back, this also helps ensure that your home address is
not disclosed to your date —at least not yet.
- Tell someone besides the
friend you take with you where and when you're
meeting this person. And, if you own a cell phone, have that
person call you at a certain time during your
date to make sure everything is all right. If you don't
own a cell phone, you can always use a payphone
and call your friend. If during the date you feel something
is not right but you're still not sure what it
is, tell the person on the phone and then leave as soon
as possible.
- Never leave your personal
belongings unattended—that is under the
attention of your date. Remember that if your
personal information
and house keys are inside your purse or your
backpack, you're basically giving to your date
access to this
information or items.
- With the proliferation
of "rape drugs," such as Rohypnol, it is not
wise to leave your drink unattended.
- If after a while the person
you meet suggests going somewhere else, be cautious.
Ask why he/she wants to go somewhere else and
suggest using public transportation instead of driving. Follow
up with a phone call to your friend to let him/her
know about the change of location. If you don't
feel comfortable, don't go.
Final Thoughts …
If you follow
these guidelines your chat experience can be safer and
more fun. At the end, you want this person to be either
your friend or something more. But, to make the experience
enjoyable, you have to exercise caution and good judgment
and not go head over heels. There have been stories on
the news recently about sexual predators using the chat
rooms to lure their victims. So, if you decide to go, be
cautious.
MORE INFORMATION >>
Relationships >> What
Is Healthy? :: Partner
Communication :: Feeling
Words :: Quotes & Perspectives
Related Articles >> Bill of Dating Rights :: Dating
Violence Warning Signs :: Dating Violence Resources ::
Online Dating
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