I Think I Might Be Gay, Now What Do I Do?
A
Brochure by and for Young Men
Also
available in [PDF] format.
What
Does It Mean to Be Gay?
Men
who call themselves gay are sexually attracted to
and fall in love with other men. Their sexual feelings
toward men
are normal and natural for them. These feelings emerge
when they are boys, and the feelings continue throughout
life. Although some gay men may also be attracted
to women, they usually say that their attraction to men
is stronger
and more important to them. Some experts estimate
that about one in 10 people in the world may be gay or
lesbian. (Lesbians are women who are attracted to other women.)
This means that in any large group of people, there
are usually several gay or lesbian people present.
However,
no one can tell whether someone is gay unless he
or she wants it known. Gay people blend right in with
other
people, but they often feel different from other
people. Gay teenagers
may not be able to specify just why they feel different.
They may notice that all of the guys they know seem
to be attracted to girls. So, gay teens don't always
know
where they fit in, and they may not feel comfortable
talking with adults about their feelings.
How Do I Know if I'm Gay?
For
as long as I can remember, I'd always felt different
from other kids. Around the age of eleven, I started
having
random sexual feelings for people of both genders.
I read some sex ed books and figured that my feelings
were part
of a phase and would pass. I didn't realize until
I was fifteen that it was my feelings for girls that
were part
of a phase that passed.
"Diablo," Pennsylvania, age 18
I was slow realizing that
what I felt was homosexual. Since about the sixth grade
I hadn't allowed myself to think about guys in a sexual
manner because I knew it was wrong. It was sometime in
the tenth grade when I realized that I am what I am and
there is nothing wrong with me.
Joseph, Georgia, age 16
You may not know what to call your sexual
feelings. You don't have to rush to decide how
to label yourself right now. Sexual identity develops
over time. Most
adolescent boys are intensely sexual during the
years
around puberty
(usually between 11 and 15 years old), when the
body starts changing and hormones are flowing.
Your sexual
feelings
may be so strong that they are not directed toward
particular people or situations but seem to emerge
without cause.
As you get older, you will figure out who really
attracts you. Boys with truly gay feelings find
that, over time,
their attraction to boys and men gets more and
more clearly focused. You may find yourself falling
in
love with a classmate
or developing a crush on a particular adult man.
You may find these experiences pleasurable, troubling,
or a mix
of the two. By age 16 or 17, some gay youth begin
thinking
about what to call themselves, while others need
more clarity on the subject. If you think you might
be gay,
here are
some questions you might ask yourself:
- When
I dream or fantasize sexually, is it about boys or
girls?
- Have
I ever had a crush on or been in love with a boy or
a man?
- Do
I feel different than the other guys?
- Are
my feelings for boys and men clear?
If your answers to
these questions are not clear, don't worry. You will be more certain
in time of your sexual identity. Only you will know how to label
yourself correctly.
Am I Normal?
I
felt a relief, a … lessening of the sensation of total isolation and
loneliness … and definitely a feeling of release to finally be able
to talk freely about homosexuality.
Marie, Minnesota, age 18
I was thrilled the first time I saw someone wearing a pride pin and was
able to get some information from her. The first time that I went to a gay
group, it was, quite simply, a relief.
Matt, Quebec, age 16
Yes, you are absolutely
normal. Many people are gay. Do you want to learn more? Start by reading.
If you feel comfortable doing so, ask the librarian in the Young Adult
section of your public library. Librarians are usually glad to help. Moreover,
librarians
operate under a strict code of ethics and are legally obliged to guard
the privacy of all patrons, including minors. If your public library
does not have much on sexuality, the reference librarian can request good
books
and journal articles through interlibrary loan. Or, you may want to check
out the Gay section of a large bookstore. Finally, you may want to order
books
and other materials through the mail. However, be aware that not all books
about gay people are supportive.
Advocates for Youth has web sites by and for young gay people, www.youthresource.com and www.ambientejoven.org. You
may wish to visit these web sites. More than 15,000 gay, lesbian, bisexual,
and transgender youth visit them each month; most of them visit repeatedly.
Most major cities also have a gay hotline, and you might want to call it.
If you are concerned about your privacy, call from a phone booth. A good
hotline
counselor will let you talk about your feelings and will direct you to
organizations that help gay people. There may even be a gay youth group
in your area. There
are gay people wherever you are. Sooner or later you will meet someone
who feels some of the same things you do and has had similar experiences.
What about HIV/AIDS?
We
all need to be careful. I make sure that, when I am with someone, we
always use protection.
Eric, Michigan, age 16
I feel that the topic of safer sex must be broached directly, and if it
is truly a good relationship, talking about safer sex will not cause problems.
Kip, Iowa, age 18
All sexually active
people need to be aware of human immunodeficiency virus (HIV)—the
virus that causes AIDS—as well as other sexually transmitted infections
(STIs). Being gay will not infect you with HIV, but certain sexual
practices and certain
drug use behaviors can put you at risk for infection with HIV. HIV/AIDS
is incurable, but it is preventable!
Here's how to reduce your
risk of HIV infection and AIDS.
- Do
not shoot up drugs. Sharing needles is the most dangerous
behavior for putting you at risk of HIV infection.
- Communicate
with your partner. You do not have to have sex.
- Choose
activities that do not involve sexual intercourse—such
as hugging, kissing, talking, or massage.
- Avoid
unprotected anal intercourse or other direct, unprotected
anal contact. Anal intercourse transmits HIV
very efficiently. If you engage in anal intercourse,
use a condom every time.
- Use
condoms whenever you engage in any type of sexual intercourse—anal,
oral, or vaginal.
- Choose
latex condoms that are fresh and undamaged. Store them
away from heat. Remember: Your wallet is not a
good place to keep condoms for a long period of time.
- Use
a condom only once. Choose condoms with a "reservoir
tip" and be sure to squeeze out the air
from the tip as you put it on. Hold on to the condom
as you take it off. Be aware that condoms sometimes
slip off.
How Do I
Learn to Like Myself?
I
think what helps me the most is being able to accept
who I am as a person—knowing my goals, my hopes, my
feelings about life. The most beautiful benefit is
being able then to accept my orientation.
Tyson, California, age 17
The most beneficial resource to me is my friends. Their
support has helped me through rough times and made my good
times even brighter. I share my innermost worries and,
in turn, get a glimpse of theirs, thus seeing that I am
not alone in what I face. I feel that being open and honest
with myself and with others helps me learn even more about
myself.
Kip, Iowa, age 18
It's
not easy to discover that you are gay. Many people are
uncomfortable being around lesbians and gay men,
and some people hate lesbians and gay men. It's no wonder
if some gay youth might choose to hide gay feelings from
others. You might feel this way; you might even be tempted
to hide these feelings from yourself. You may worry about
people finding out about how you feel. Maybe you avoid
other youth that may be gay because you worry about what
other people will think.
Working this hard to conceal your thoughts and feelings
is called "being
in the closet." It is a painful and lonely place to be, especially if
you stay there in order to survive. It takes a lot of energy to deny your
feelings, and denial can be costly. You may have tried using alcohol or other
drugs to
numb yourself against your feelings and your worries. You may have considered
suicide. If so, please consult the phone book for the Samaritans or another
suicide hotline. You and your feelings are valuable, and you have alternatives
to denial. Check out the resources listed in the resource pamphlet in this
series.
Whom Should I Tell?
The
time in which each person decides to 'come out' is completely up to him
and should in no way be a decision made by someone else.
Youth who feel the desire to talk with others about their feelings
should find a place where
they feel safe.
Chris, Maryland, age 21
The people who bring the most positive results from telling are just the
people who accept it, and who don t only say it's okay, but show they mean
it by the way they treat you.
Marie, Minnesota, age 18
It makes you feel a lot better to get it all out, I'll tell you. You shouldn't
try to pretend to be someone you are not. You can keep your love life private,
but your sexuality is as much a part of you as your skin.
Ethan, England, age 16
More and more gay youth
are learning to feel better about themselves. As you start to listen
to your deepest feelings and learn more about what being gay means, you
will begin to be comfortable with your sexuality. This is the process
called 'coming
out.' The first step in coming out is to tell yourself that you are gay
and to say, "That's okay. I'm okay." Later you may want to
tell someone else—someone you trust to be understanding and sympathetic.
You might choose
a friend your own age, a sibling, a parent, or other adult. Some gay
youth are able to come out to their families. Others are not. Start slow
with someone
you trust and the rest will unfold as it should.
In the beginning, be cautious about whom you tell, but be honest with yourself.
Just as self-denial costs you, coming out will pay off. When gay youth
accept their sexuality, most say they feel calmer, happier, and more confident.
Adapted from a brochure from
the Campaign to End Homophobia.
Advocates for Youth
www.advocatesforyouth.org | www.youthresource.com | www.ambientejoven.org
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