Secondary
Survivors
by Melissa
What Is a Secondary Survivor?
You are a secondary survivor if a friend, partner, girlfriend,
boyfriend, mother, sister, child, or anyone you are
very close to is a survivor of sexual assault
or physical or emotional abuse. It does not matter if you knew this person
when the assault or abuse happened-or even if you knew them and did not know
about the assault until much later.
Survivors of rape, incest, and/or abuse will usually tell a friend or significant
other with whom they feel safe and comfortable. The survivor may tell many
people before feeling comfortable enough to talk to a professional. Remember-even
if the assault or abuse happened a long time ago, you could be the first person
they have told and your reaction can have a big impact on the rest of the recovery
process.
Often secondary survivors go through many of the same feelings that survivor's
experience. You can feel powerless, guilty, shocked, angry, or scared. It is
natural to have these feelings when you learn that someone important to you
has been assaulted or abused, but try not to let these feelings interfere with
the help that the survivor needs.
"My
partner is the first person I've ever dated who is
a survivor of rape. She told me about it the second
day we were dating and I think her honesty was a
big help for me to avoid doing things that might
upset her by triggering flashbacks. If your partner
isn't ready or doesn't want to tell you about her/his
experiences, it's always important to be attentive,
especially during intimacy. And by being upfront
about what you like and dislike, both emotionally
and physically, you might help him/her to open up
some too. But, when it's all said and done, I really
think the most important thing is to be patient,
loving, and aware of your partner's needs and wants."
—Jennie
What Should I AVOID Doing?
Sometimes secondary survivors react in ways that are not helpful to the survivor.
Survivors are usually dealing with a lot of complicated feelings after an assault
or abuse and are usually feeling bad about themselves for what happened. It
does not help them to hear those thoughts echoed by others whom they trust.
Do not deny the assault/abuse—Some survivors
are in denial themselves, but it is important to remember that they came to
you for help. You may have a hard time believing that the assault
or abuse happened. You may want to deny the extent of its impact on the survivor.
You may even want to protect the perpetrator. But it is important that you
do not deny the survivor. Do not urge a survivor to forget about the incident.
Do not ignore the survivor's fears. Do not encourage the survivor to do nothing
about the assault. And do not urge the survivor to resume regular activities
prematurely.
Do not blame the survivor—Sexual assault and
abuse are never the survivor's fault. Do not ask questions like "Why didn't you tell someone?" or "Why were you at that
party?" Even asking questions about the specifics of the event(s) can
make it seem like you do not believe them. If you find yourself starting to
ask a detailed question, think to yourself first, "Am I asking this for
the survivor or for myself-do I really need to know this in order to comfort
my friend?"
Do not compare situations—Every sexual assault
or abuse situation is different. Even if something similar happened to you
or someone else you know, do not compare situations. No two
people feel the same exact way or will react in the same way. It is important
to let the survivor know that she/he is not alone, but do not lessen the importance
of the survivor's feelings by comparing them to others.
What Can I Do?
You can be a very positive influence on a survivor's healing process. You may
not be a counselor or expert, but you are a caring friend. Just keep an open
mind and remember that every experience is different. By following the tips
below you can provide a safe and open environment for a survivor to disclose.
Believe, comfort and listen to the survivor—Let them tell the story at his/her
own pace. Do not rush the survivor to make decisions and allow her/him to decide
what steps to take. A survivor of sexual
assault or abuse has had power taken away. Allowing them to make even small
decisions, like where to talk to you about it or what to have for lunch, can
help the survivor to reclaim that power.
Affirm the survivor—Name what happened as wrong. Affirm that it was not
the survivor's fault. Just hearing this can be infinitely comforting to the
survivor.
Make sure the survivor is safe—Try to reduce fear by providing a feeling
of safety at home, at school, at work, etc. If you think that the survivor
is in danger from the perpetrator
or from her/himself, seek professional help.
Educate yourself on assault/abuse—Learn about the recovery process so
that you will know what to expect. Explore the medical and legal options -
these differ from place to place. Find out
what local resources are available so that you can give them to the survivor
if requested.
Get help for yourself—The emotions of being a secondary survivor can
be overwhelming. If your feelings become too intense, the survivor may begin
to comfort you. Find someone that
you can talk to, without compromising the survivor's privacy. Consider joining
a support group. If you are a survivor as well this may bring up latent feelings
for you. It is important that you deal with these. Visit the Rape,
Abuse & Incest National Network (RAINN) to find support in your area.
"Learning
of my mom's rape had a profound effect on me. I have
tried to use my anger in a productive way by teaching
others about sexual assault and being a supportive
friend whenever I can to survivors. This has really
strengthened the relationship between me and my mom.
I think it means a lot to her that I care so much
about something that has been so difficult for her.
Thirty years after being raped I can still see that
it affects her, but I am so proud of her for everything
she has done to deal with her pain and teach others.
Rape is not only painful for primary survivors, but
also their loved ones. It is important to get help
if someone you know has been affected by sexual assault
or abuse and you are having a hard time dealing with
it. You are allowed to feel pain and there are people
who can help."
—Kirsten
MORE INFORMATION >>
Articles >> The Empowering Inner Potential to End Violence :: Glossary :: Male/Male Sexual Violence :: Secondary Survivors :: Quiz
Stories >> If Robbery Victims Were Treated Like Rape Victims :: Listen :: Missoula Rape Poem :: One Kid's Story
Resources >> Sexual Assault :: Dating Violence :: Healthy Relationships :: Emergency Contraception
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