Male/Male
Sexual Violence
Male Survivors of Incest or Other Sexual Assault
It is estimated that 5 to 10 percent of
reported cases of rape or sexual assault each year
involve male
victims (Scarce, 1997) . Some rape crisis centers
see nearly equal numbers of girls and boys up to
age 12.
Researchers report one out of six boys will have
been assaulted by age 16. Experts believe the number
of
cases are under-reported because survivors are less
likely to report than are female survivors. Any male
can be assaulted. Survivors are gay, straight, and
bisexual. Most reported perpetuators are male. Several
reports stated that the majority of rapes of males
are perpetrated by heterosexual males (Isely & Gehrenbeck-Shim
1997, Scarce 1997).
The identification of sexual assaults committed against
males is a recent phenomenon. Previous to the feminist
efforts of the last 30 years, resulting in much more
comprehensive laws and growing public awareness, rape was the only "sex
crime" recognized by law. Only males could be charged with rape and
females were the only victims recognized by law. Rape meant vaginal intercourse.
Now,
the term sexual assault includes many more of the behaviors by which people
could be hurt. Many, but not all, states use the phrase sexual assault. Many
states are beginning to recognize the sexual assault of males as a problem.
Boys tend not to be taught to empathize. We haven't taught boys that they
deserve the right to feel safe in their bodies, that the autonomy of their
body is
sacred, that "no" equals "no" for everyone and that when
stated it should be respected. Without teaching little boys to expect these
rights for themselves, how can we expect young men to respect these rights
for men (or women)? Little boys are not taught how to say "no" to
abusive clergy, scout-masters, coaches, uncles, fathers, baby-sitters, and
other potential male perpetrators.
Males are only beginning to recognize how many of them have experienced sexual
assault. For reasons similar that female survivors, male survivors deny their
victimization. Their reasons include 1) a lack of information to define their
experience as sexual assault; 2) a sense that they will be disbelieved by
people; 3) a fear of reprisal by the perpetuator(s); 4) an unwillingness
to think of
themselves as survivors of sexual assault and fearing all the potential changes
in themselves that might inevitably ensue; and 5) a resentment that the behavior
of the perpetuator(s) had or has the power to cause the survivor to expend
time, energy, emotional and financial resources-and therefore essentially
take control of their life-for an unknown length of time.
Sex or Sexual
Assault?
Sexual assault is commonly defined as forced intercourse
or sexual contact that occurs without consent as a result of actual or
threatened force (Crooks & Baur
1998). Only recently, however, have many states amended their criminal codes
to include adult males (meaning sixteen years of age and older) in their definition
of rape (Isely & Gehrenbeck-Shim). All sexual assault is an expression
of power, hate, and control. To many heterosexuals, an assaultive male is,
crudely put, manifesting "homosexual" behavior. The majority
of rapes of males are perpetrated by Caucasian, heterosexual men who
often commit
their
crime with one or more cohorts (Scarce 1997) This demonstrates, again
how straight culture confuses sex with sexual assault.
Any male who has been assaulted by another male has a disincentive to
report the incident because many people assume that any male assaulted
by another
male is automatically gay. If the survivor is gay and the perpetrator
is gay then reporting the sexual assault may involve "coming out" to
authorities, which can be unsafe. Living in a homophobic culture which
equates the rape
of males to homosexual sexual behavior; a male survivor, who is gay or
presumed to be gay, may assume that he will be disbelieved and harassed
by the police
rather than supported.
Some sexual assaults of gay males are committed by perpetrators who self-identify
as heterosexual. The motivations of these men to assault gay males is similar
to their motivation to assault females-to dominate and express hatred.
Some sexual assaults of gay males are committed by other gay males. Estimates
of
numbers of assaults are impossible to come by with the prevalence of homophobia
in the United States. Consent is what separates sex from sexual assault.
Consent is not adequately taught to straight, bisexual or gay teens.
Sexual assaults are not sex. When a male sexually assaults another male:
1)neither male becomes a homosexual as a result of the assault; 2) it
is not the manifestation
of latent homosexual behavior. There are homosexual men who commit assault
but the assaults they commit are not homosexual sex acts. When a man
punches another man we do not call it "homosexual battery." "If
you hit someone over the head with a frying pan, you wouldn't call it
cooking." says
Mike Lew, author of Victims No Longer: Men Recovering From Incest & Other
Sexual Child Abuse.
Males Who Sexually Assault Other Males
Most of the
perpetuators of sexual assault committed on male are
other males. As stated before, the majority
of perpetrators are heterosexual
and
Caucasian (Scarce 1997). The boy or young man who is a survivor can
be confused, angry, blaming himself, hurt, desperate
to understand. The hysteria
and misinformation
rampant about homosexuality makes understanding their assault very
difficult for male survivors.
How Sexual Assault
Affects You and Others
Some male survivors' confusion about their sexual orientation,
can hinder their recovery. While some males assaulted
as boys by older
males come
to realize
that while they don't want to replicate the abusive component of
their experience, they do want to explore consensual
interactions with males.
Gaining clarity
about one's sexuality is much more difficult for sexual assault
survivors.
When you are dealing with survivors who you know,
they may "frustrate
or anger" you by not wanting to report their assault, call it assault,
change behavior that you find problematic or even destructive, or other things.
You may be irritated with the survivors' rate of recovery or unwillingness
to do things that you objectively know would be positive for them. Since the
root of eating disorders, depression, and addictions is often incest and others
sexual assault, our attention can be misdirected by manifestations of these "symptoms."
When you are dealing with perpetrators who you know, they too
may "frustrate
or anger" you by not wanting to call their behavior assault, change behavior
that you find problematic, etc. Their resistance may be maddening. Their alleged
act may well contribute to the polarization of their circle of friends. The
presumption of innocent until proven guilty can be sorely tested. Additionally,
you may know or like them as people, and experience difficulty believing they
could "do" this.
You don't have to arbitrate, heal or solve this problem alone.
Survivors need support not rescue. You will be helping yourself
if you first
look at your
resistance or denial. Know your own biases and prejudices. And
if you can't/won't listen at that particular time because you
are busy/stressed,
or this brings
up discomfort from personal experience; you so not have to at
the moment.
How to Be a Supportive Listener for a Friend/Lover/Relative
Who Is a Survivor of Incest or Other Sexual Assault
Most
survivors never tell anyone that they have been assaulted.
If someone tells you about their abuse, consider it an honor.
You may
not feel lucky
but you are. Welcome to a very confusing, murky world.
- Believe
them-they are telling the truth. Tell them you're sorry
and it wasn't their fault.
- Really
listen, don't jump to solutions. Ask what help they
would like.
- Do
not distract yourself with heroic fantasies to beat
up the perpetrator.
- Offer
to make an appointment with them to see a counselor,
clergy, police, etc.
- Do
not say that you know/understand how they feel. You
don't, even if you're a survivor yourself. Your experience
was not identical to his/hers.
- Suggest
counseling in addition to talking to you. Professional
counselors are very useful.
- There
is no limit to how long the healing process takes.
Saying things like, "You've got to forget about
this." won't help and may harm recovery.
- Be
aware of school/local support resources and share those.
- Sometimes
you can't "do" what seems to you very much,
but the "little" that you do may be sufficient
for survivors now. Don't assume for them what they
need.
- Give
them time and space. If you're talking more than they
are, you're probably not helping.
- Do
not give advice, even if asked for it. Survivors of
sexual assault have had their power profoundly taken
from them. Making decisions overprotects them and may
send a message that you think they're incompetent.
Help them problem-solve by offering all possible options.
Offer to support whatever decision they make, then
do it.
- Get
support for yourself too-the more you care, the more
you are affected. Look inward; pay attention to your
own feelings, your needs are valid too.
- Don't
burden the survivor with your "stuff." Males
learn to expect others to "take care of" our
emotional needs and want them to explain to us what
we are thinking/feeling about their trauma. It isn't
wrong for us to have emotional needs. It is wrong for
us to add to the survivor's burden.
- Respect
their need for absolute confidentiality. Not making
their secret public may be the only safe thing for
them to do as they see it. If you get support for yourself
as an affected "significant other," do not
tell the details of the abuse to anyone. If a person
who you confide in presses you to identify the survivor,
do not tell them. If you help make the details of the
assault public, you will do the survivor harm.
- Check-in
with a person before leaping into an intense follow-up
discussion. Don't assume that the level of disclosure
that you shared previously is acceptable currently
or later when you talk to that person. If you want
to talk further, recognize that this might not be a
good time for him/her to talk.
- Sometimes
a friend/lover/relative will share that they were assaulted
by someone. Some survivors never bring it up again.
Some refuse to talk further about it. Some even avoid
you. This doesn't necessarily have anything to do with
you. You might be the only person they have confided
in and every time they see you they recall their abuse.
Don't punish them for your feeling of being used if
that is how you feel. Similarly, you may choose approach
them at a private time and ask them if they want to
talk further. If they don't, that's fine. If they do,
that's also fine as long as you both feel comfortable
and safe.
- When
a survivor tells you tell you that they have been abused,
you may feel uncomfortable for a variety of reasons.
You have the right to state that what they are telling
you is too difficult for you to hear. You may help
them find someone else who can be there for them.
- If
anything you hear or feel resonates for you as you
hear their story, it does not prove that you are a
survivor. If you are a survivor and you are feeling
old feelings again, there are (hopefully) caring resources
available in you community.
- Some
people will seek out a stranger to tell their story
to. They may feel safer telling their story to someone
they won't see again, feeling safer with anonymity
this person provides. We all deserve the right to feel
safe. ( Protective Behaviors, Inc).
- Remember
the value you place on a friend who took the time to
really listen to you.
Possible Reactions
of Male and Female Incest or other Sexual Assault Survivors
Note: I include this
sections to illustrate the multitude of sometimes contradictory effects
that sexual assault survivors experience. This list was created from
several lists that compiled responses of many survivors, both male
and female. Not all survivors necessarily experience all or even
most of these.
- Nightmares
- Swallowing
and gagging sensitivity (suffocation feelings)
- Alienation
from the body-poor body management. Manipulating body
size to avoid sexual attention.
- Fear
that everyone is a potential attacker
- Eating
disorders, drug or alcohol abuse; other addictions;
compulsive behaviors
- Self-destructiveness;
skin carving; self-abuse
- Suicidal
thoughts, attempts, obsessions; Depression (sometimes
paralyzing); seemingly baseless crying
- Inability
to express anger; fear of actual or imagined rage;
constant anger
- Intense
hostility toward entire gender or ethnic group of the
perpetuator
- Depersonalization;
going into shock, shutdown in crisis
- A stressful
situation is always a crisis; psychic numbing
- Physical
pain or numbness associated with a particular memory,
emotion (for example anger), or situation (for example
sex)
- Rigid
control of one's thought process; humorlessness or
extreme solemnity
- Nervousness
about being watched or surprised; feeling watched
- Trust
issues; inability to trust; trusting indiscriminately
- High
risk behaviors; inability to take risks
- Boundary
issues; control power, territorial issues; fear of
losing control
- Obsessive/compulsive
behaviors
- Guilt,
shame; low self-esteem, feeling worthless, high appreciation
of small favors by others
- No
sense of own power or right to set limits or say no
- Pattern
of relationships with much older persons (beginning
in adolescence)
- Blocking
out part of childhood (especially ages one to 12),
or specific person or place
- Feeling
of carrying an awful secret; urge to tell, fear of
its being revealed
- Certainty
that no one will listen; feeling "marked" ("The
Scarlet Letter")
- Feeling
crazy; feeling different; feeling oneself to be unreal
and everybody else to be real, or vice versa; creating
fantasy worlds, relationships, or identities
- Denial;
no awareness at all; repression of memories; pretending
- Sexual
issues: sex feels "dirty"; aversion to being
touched (especially in gynecological exam); strong
aversion to or need for) particular sex acts; feeling
betrayed by one's body; trouble integrating sexuality
and emotionality; compulsively "seductive" or
compulsively asexual; must be sexual aggressor, or
cannot be; impersonal, "promiscuous" sex
with strangers concurrent with inability to have sex
in an intimate relationship; sexual acting acting out
to meet anger or revenge needs; sexualizing of meaningful
relationships. Note: Homosexuality is not an after
effect.
- Limited
tolerance for happiness; reluctance to trust happiness
Finding Support
- The
National Organization on Male Sexual Victimization
- Jim
Hopper: Therapist
- Walter
De Milly, author of In My Father's Arms: A True Story
of Incest
- Joseph
Weinberg & Associates—Educational consultant
focusing on educating males. Speeches, training and
workshops presented internationally at high schools,
colleges, conferences, prisons, military. Specializing
in teaching unlearning homophobia, male supervisors,
AODA, sexual assault prevention, rape and racism. Special
programs on college campuses for athletes, fraternity
members. Produces newsletter "Teaching Sexual
Ethics" (subscriptions available). Address: Joseph
Weinberg & Associates, 839 Williamson Street, #3
Madison, WI 53715; Phone: (608) 257-4444.
Male Survivors
Reading List
To order one of the books, simply click on
its hyperlinked title. You will be taken to Amazon.com, where you'll
be able to purchase the book you selected.
Advocates for Youth will receive a five percent royalty from the sale.
- Bass
E and Davis L. The
Courage to Heal: A Guide for Women Survivors of Child
Sexual Abuse. Perennial, 1994. (Written for
women, but helpful for men as well.)
- Boyle
P. Scouts
Honor: Sexual Abuse in America's Most Trusted Institution.
Prima Lifestyles, 1995.
- Crooks
R and Baur K. Our
Sexuality. (8th edition). Wadsworth Publishing,
2001.
- Estrada
H. Recovery
for Male Victims of Child Sexual Abuse. Red
Rabbit Press, 1994
- Lew
M. Victims
No Longer: Men Recovering From Incest and Other Sexual
Child Abuse. Perennial, 1990.
- Mendel,
MP. The
Male Survivor: The Impact of Sexual Abuse.
Sage Publications, 1994.
- Bolton
FG, Morris LA, and MacEachron AE. Males
at Risk: The Other Side of Child Sexual Abuse.
Sage Publications, 1989.
- Sanders
TL. Male
Survivors: 12-Step Recovery Program for Survivors of
Childhood Sexual Abuse: With Exercises for Personal
Growth. Crossing Press, 1991.
- Scarce
M and Rubenstein WB. Male
on Male Rape: The Hidden Toll of Stigma and Shame.
Perseus Publishing, 2001.
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