One Kid's
Story
|
Jesse is
a 20 year-old FtM, living in Massachusetts.
He is currently finishing up his Bachelor's
in biochemistry and hope to settle down
for a bit in the city of Boston. He was
born and raised in the DC Metro area.
He runs Trans_Survivors,
an online community for all trans-identified
individuals (including, but not limited
to: FtM, MtF, intersex, genderqueer,
or multigendered), and SOFFAs who are
either abuse survivors themselves or
have been affected by the abuse or assault
of someone they know—including
sexual assault and violence, childhood
abuse, abusive relationships, and violence
as a result of gender variance or perceived
gender variance/queerness.
|
|
I am lucky in that
I live a privileged life. I am only child of a wealthy
family. I attended the best private schools and had many opportunities
my mother
never had. In my young life I've never personally experienced
poverty or hunger, although many others have. I have also never known
hardships
or discrimination based on the color of my skin, ethnicity,
or religious background.
I am lucky, but it hasn't made my life entirely easy.
Like most people, I have my own struggles and problems
that I've had to learn to deal with. For me,
one of these struggles has been learning to cope with childhood abuse. When
I was a little boy, I was molested. I feel a little odd describing myself as
a little boy, because when I was a small child I was always told that I was
a girl by everyone—my
parents, teachers, doctors, everyone.
But that didn't make sense to me because I felt and knew that I was a boy and
insisted that I be treated like one for quite a while. Now that I am older
and accept my masculine gender, I realized that, yes, I always was a boy, even
though I was "supposed" to be something else. But when I was small,
I raised eyebrows by insisting that I was a boy despite my lack of a penis.
I guess this caught the attention of some cruel, insecure older boys (who,
by the way, were supposed to be helping babysit me) who decided to teach me
a lesson. They cornered me in a room, stripped me, beat me, and spent about
an hour "showing" me that I wasn't really a boy. In early elementary
school, I was violated in a similar fashion by a male friend. Apparently, I
had caused confusion by using a urinal in the boy's room and with my chosen
boy name. And, like the first time, I was filled with guilt and shame and tried
to conceal the problem and my hurt from everyone.
I can't really express how deeply these incidents hurt me, and they've continued
to affect me for many years. After the second time I was hurt, I finally began
to give in to my parents' and teachers' insistence that I should "be more
like a girl." It was also around this time that I stopped insisting that
people call me by my chosen names or treat me like a boy.
I guess it would be easier to explain the effects the abuse had on me in this
way: when I was molested, it was as though someone cut the power in my house—everything suddenly became dark, and things got a lot harder. But as I got
older, I came to accept the darkness of the house as normal, even though it
made it nearly impossible to see and to grow.
After many years, I decided that trying to forget what happened, and continually
ignoring my problems was not working, and was in fact making life more difficult,
and that I would start to deal with it. I made this decision around the same
time that I was beginning to openly discuss the issues surrounding my gender,
dysfunctional family, and my lifelong battle with depression. It was an interesting
time when I realized that all of these issues were connected. It was also the
same time that I began to understand and accept myself as a full person and
as an individual that could take responsibility for my own life.
Ever since this time, I haven't felt so scared of everything—at least, not
to the point that I can't talk about it with anyone. I feel that I have begun
to turn things around and begun to grow up. But this doesn't mean that just
because I've admitted the problem that everything is okay. No, now I actually
have to deal with it, and actively work towards eventually healing from it.
It is very, very hard at times. I try and take some good advice a friend gave
me, though, and take it one day at a time.
I feel fortunate in that I have loving, supportive friends and access to a
good therapist. They all, especially my friends, form my primary support network,
and without them I would be lost.
Unfortunately, I've found the lack of resources for trans-identified survivors
troubling. When I began seeking out books and sources for survivors, I could
only find a few books and Web sites that dealt in any way with the issues facing
trans-identified survivors. I even found difficulty relating to some of them!
At the advice of some friends, I put together an
e-mail list specifically for transpeople and their loved ones who have survived
forms of abuse and violence. It's only been up and running for a few months,
and we already have many subscribers. I've found it very useful, and I hope
that it continues to help others. But even more importantly, I want more information
and resources to become available that transfolk and their loved ones find
helpful.
MORE INFORMATION >>
Articles >> The Empowering Inner Potential to End Violence :: Glossary :: Male/Male Sexual Violence :: Secondary Survivors :: Quiz
Stories >> If Robbery Victims Were Treated Like Rape Victims :: Listen :: Missoula Rape Poem :: One Kid's Story
Resources >> Sexual Assault :: Dating Violence :: Healthy Relationships :: Emergency Contraception
 Send this page to a friend >>
|
