By Brad

"There is no way in the world I am going to be experimented on for that!"

Sometime last year, a friend and I were hanging out, talking as usual about the "state of the gay subculture in America" (like we hadn't done that before). We talked about what it was like growing up, him on a farm and me in Detroit, the only connection to the "real world" being our television sets (when they worked). We talked about him being white and me being black, and how that made such a huge difference in our perceptions and struggles as gay youth. We talked about what being gay meant for him, and what it meant for me. We talked about AIDS.

We both recalled how we thought that eventually we would become infected with AIDS simply because we were gay. I shared with him a fear that I had of getting AIDS because I lusted after a boy in my classroom, a justifiable punishment from God because of my "sin" (I grew up Pentacostal in Detroit—the fear of God was as tangible and real as the government cheese I ate from month to month.) And I won't even go into the fear I had related to my first sexual experience.

Eventually, both my friend and I learned more about the gay subculture, and about AIDS. We know that being gay doesn't mean HIV infection. We know that HIV causes AIDS. We know that condoms can protect against HIV infection. We know that there is no cure for HIV infection. And we know that there is hope.

Recently, VaxGen, an organization that is actively seeking a vaccine for HIV, was approved to begin vaccine trials here in the United States. While the details can be complicated, here are the basics: VaxGen is conducting trials on volunteers to see just how effective a candidate vaccine is. Candidate vaccines are designed to stimulate the immune system to produce the antibodies associated with HIV infection. Some of the trials that are being done involve a sample of the actual HIV DNA, while others are being done using a synthetic substitute (which carries no risk of actual HIV infection from the study itself). The trial I am in is called the gpl20 AIDSVax, a synthetic substitute. It requires seven injections over the course of three years. There is no guarantee that it will work, and I still have to practice safer sex. I started the trials in May.

To qualify for the trials, you have to be between 16 and 60 years old and

• HIV-, with more than one sex partner over the last year; or be a male or female injection drug user (IDU); or
• Be the partner of an IDU; or
• Have an HIV+ partner.

The phrase at the beginning of this article is what I remember saying to myself when I first heard about the trials being conducted. There were a lot of questions that I had about the study, and certainly a lot of fears. My goal is to continue to bring updates about the state of the trials, and about some of my personal story as it progresses. Obviously, I changed my mind about what I initially felt, but the process is just as important as the result. Four months. I have to wait four months. Is this what eternity is?

Four months. A lot can happen in that all-too-short, yet seemingly forever, span of time. Seasons don't even last that long (well, maybe).

The first two months of my participation in the AIDSVax vaccine trial consisted of check-ups and injections/blood draws every two weeks. The sessions wouldn't last very long, and the times were always filled with laughter, catching up, and playful poking (no, not with the needle). Now that the trial administrators have enough information (and I have enough of the vaccine booster), the next check-up will take place in November. What this means is that I basically have to ride out the next four months without a scheduled trip to the "clinic". I certainly can have access to the administrators should I need them, but I'd be lying if I said that I didn't feel alone. I have to go the next four months wondering what is happening inside my body. (They're restricted from telling me anyway, but at least they were checking regularly).

I have to go the next four months monitoring my health and recording any illness or other changes. And I have to go the next four months making extra sure that I don't become HIV-positive. (Yes, I know that being in this trial doesn't guarantee that a vaccine will be found, but I sometimes think about having unprotected sex. Especially with someone else in the trial, since they have to be negative to continue with it, just like me. However, I also know that I am just as vulnerable as anyone else is and I need to check myself everyday. I have to put the knowledge into practice.) I also think about how this trial could isolate me from the African American community. About a month ago, an article in a local paper came out that meant to add an African American perspective to the AIDSVax trials.

What it did was reinforce the historical and racial fears of the African American community (as well as misquote me). So now I also have to think about what and how other people are thinking about this trial, along with my own thoughts. Even my mom has some reservations about this whole thing.

I intend to make it, though. After all, it is only four months. And I know that there is support should I need it. However, the choice to be in this trial is mine, and I have to own it. Fears and hopes - they are real and they are mine. (But it is good to be able to share them with you. Thank you.) Incidentally, as of this writing, the DC area has at least 220 of the 300 proposed volunteers it needs by the end of August to run a "successful" trial. Hopefully, we will have all we need so that we can get as much data from this trial as possible. Everyone has a part to do, though, whether it involves a vaccine trial or not. Prevention is still the best way to bring about the end of HIV. For more information, call toll-free: 887.VAX.4YOU.

This is dedicated to all the warriors committed to the fight, and to all the heroes who have left this land, but forever remain in our hearts.