ADVOCATES FOR YOUTH

Transitions
Volume 14, No. 4, June 2002

This Transitions is also available in [PDF] format.

I'm Coming Out … I Want the World to Know … (Or Do I?)

By Jessie Gilliam, Program Manager for Internet Interventions, Advocates for Youth

If you've made yourself accessible to teenagers, sooner or later one or more of them might ask for advice, information, or support regarding sexual orientation or gender identity. Some youth might be questioning (or figuring out their feelings) around orientation and identity, while others might have "discovered" their identity or orientation and want to discuss the implications. This article offers appropriate, respectful responses to GLBTQ youth. Written by youth, the responses address some of the questions most frequently asked about sexual orientation and coming out.

What does it mean to be GLBT?

Gay men are physically, sexually, and emotionally attracted to other men. Lesbians are women who are physically, sexually, and emotionally attracted to other women. Bisexual people are physically, sexually, and emotionally attracted to both men and women.

Transgender people feel that the gender to which they were born (or assigned at birth) does not correspond with their gender identity. Transgender people include those who identify as transsexual, that is people born female who identify as male (female-to-male) and people born male who identify as female (male-to-female). Transgender people also include those who may not identify as part of a bipolar gender system. Gender identity doesn't say anything about sexual orientation; someone could be transgender and be straight or gay or lesbian or bi.

Youth may find themselves identifying with one of these basic definitions pretty strongly or with none of them at all. That's okay—no one has to rush to self-label now or ever, and some people choose different labels, such as pansexual, same gender loving, and genderqueer, to name just a few.

How do I know if I'm gay, lesbian, bisexual, or transgender?

A young person might not know if he/she is GLBT, and that's okay. There's no rush—sexual identity and gender identity develop over time. Most young people are intensely sexual around puberty when the body starts changing and hormones start flowing. Sexual feelings may be so strong that they are not directed towards particular people or situations but seem to emerge without cause. People who decide they are gay, lesbian, or bisexual find that, over time, their attraction becomes more clearly focused and consistent. They find themselves falling in love and dreaming or fantasizing sexually more about males, females, or both, consistently and clearly. People who are transgender may find that they feel more like "one of the boys" than "one of the girls" or vice versa, that they picture their body/ self image as a different gender than they are, or that they don't identify with society's ideas about appropriate gender roles/behaviors for men and women.

No one can decide that someone else is GLBT. Liking ABBA or Ani Difranco doesn't mean a person is gay or lesbian. Sexually experimenting with someone of the same gender doesn't mean a person is gay or lesbian. Sexual behavior—what one does sexually—may be different from what one ultimately understand as one's sexual identity—that is, who one learns that one is. Being male and wearing skirts or being female and having really short hair doesn't mean a young person is or is not transgender. The individual decides. Youth shouldn't feel pressured by stereotypes into self-labeling.

Am I normal?

It is perfectly natural to be gay, lesbian, bisexual, and/or transgender. Many people are GLBT, and many of them lead happy, interesting, and productive lives. GLBT people are doctors, lawyers, librarians, waitpersons, athletes, and plumbers. They are of all racial/ethnic and religious backgrounds. Assure the young person that he/she is absolutely normal.

How Can I Avoid HIV, Other STIs, and Involvement in Unwanted Pregnancy?

Abstinence from sexual intercourse is the surest way to avoid unwanted pregnancy, HIV, and other STIs. Many young people—gay, straight, or bisexual—choose activities such as hugging, kissing, talking, and massage to show affection. If one chooses to have sexual intercourse, he/she needs to be responsible and use protection. Remember: Vaginal, anal, and/or oral intercourse—use a latex or polyurethane condom or dental dam or other latex or polyurethane barrier to prevent the risk of sexually transmitted infections, including HIV.

• Vaginal intercourse—in addition to using a latex or polyurethane condom, also use another effective method of contraception, such as birth control pills or Depo-Provera to prevent pregnancy.
• Lubrication—when using a latex condom, do not use petroleum or oil-based lubricants. Use only water-based lubricants, such as KY Jelly. Also avoid using nonoxynol-9, because it may cause irritation and increase the risk of transmission of HIV and other STIs.
• Manual sex—use a latex or polyurethane barrier, like surgical gloves.

Remember that blood-to-blood contact is the most direct route for HIV transmission. Sharing equipment or needles—for piercing or tattooing the body, taking medications, or using drugs—is dangerous since blood may be left on the used equipment or needles. If possible, avoid sharing needles for any purpose.

Whom Should I Tell?

Coming to terms with one's own sexuality or gender identity can be very difficult. In fact, the hardest one a young person may ever have to tell is him/herself! A young person should only tell others when he/she feels ready, and doing so is not always easy. Some people might be very receptive, while others might not be able to handle the information as well as the young person had hoped they would. It may be easiest to talk first about one's sexuality or gender identity with someone she/he knows will understand, such as a parent, brother or sister, clergyman, or guidance counselor. Youth may also find someone to talk with through the Internet or at youth groups. Reaching out can help ensure that youth have support as they talk about their sexuality, and they might be surprised at the relief they will feel when they know others understand.

Where Can I Find Support?

Advocates for Youth has Web sites by and for GLBT youth, including www.youthresource.com and the Spanish-language www.ambientejoven.org. Many major cities have a GLBTQ hotline. If a young person is concerned about privacy, he/she can call from a phone booth. A good hotline counselor will let her/him share feelings and will direct the youth to organizations that help GLBTQ people. There may even be an area GLBTQ youth group; young people can ask the hotline or visit www.youthresource.com for listings. Youth might also want to see if the school has a gay straight alliance. It may seem difficult to believe, but there are other GLBT people wherever young people are!

Transitions (ISSN 1097-1254) © 2002, is a quarterly publication of Advocates for Youth—Helping young people make safe and responsible decisions about sex. For permission to reprint, contact Transitions' editor at 202.419.3420.

Editor: Sue Alford

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