Talking With TV: A Guide to Starting Dialogue With Youth

TV uses a variety of methods to send messages about sexuality and violence. Innuendo and humor for sexual images, careful staging and brutal language for violence.

To help your younger children translate a show's messages, you will need to sift through and explain extra-long looks, sly smiles, raised eyebrows, grimaces of pain, body language, double meaning and graphic views.

But more than explaining a show's messages, learn what your children pick up on their own. They may misunderstand the show's messages - or they may understand exactly what the show is saying—even when it is incorrect, confusing, insensitive or vague.

It's all in asking the right questions. Focus on the process of communicating and practice your listening skills. Try not to be thinking of answers when young people are still talking. When they have finished, consider their point of view fully before expressing your own.

Use reassuring conversation techniques like repeating phrases and nodding toward the speaker. Use your body language to show you are open and ready to exchange ideas.

Close-Up: Dialogue and Interviews

Sit down with your kids and watch the first half of a show. At the commercial break, choose one of the topics below and ask one or two of the questions and see what happens! (If you are a bit nervous, you might want to role play asking the questions with another adult to anticipate your children's first response to your questions. But no matter what scenarios you create, your kids will probably surprise you by having a different answer!)

Family

Which TV family would you like to be part or? One that you wouldn't? Why? Is there one that reminds you of ours?

How could these TV parents really get to know what their kids better? How do you feel about how they treat each other?

How does the TV family handle anger and frustration? How do they negotiate their conflicts?

What is a family? Do you have friends with step-parents? With one parent? How does our family compare to theirs?

How do parents and children communicate? What are the best kinds of communication? The worst? How could both sides be more truthful with one another?

Friends

Do you think that character is a good friend? Would you like a friend like that?

What would make the TV parents approve of their children's friends? If you were a parent, what would you do if your child had a friend you did not trust?

Who has the most influence on the children in this show - friends or family? What do you think about that?

I'm not sure my friends would go out of their way for me like that. Would yours? How would you thank them for their support?

How have you ever helped a good friend? What did you risk for them?

How can you tell who is a true friend? What do people mean by a "rainy-day" friend?

Can friends be of different ages? Sexes? Cultures? What three things could you do to get to know an acquaintance or casual friend better?

Some people have many best friends while others have only one special friend; some have more casual friendships. What kind of friendships do you prefer?

How do you decide who is in your "inner circle" of friends? What are two things you could discuss with your "inner circle" friends but not your "outer circle" friends.

Can boys and girls, or men and women, be friends with each other without being romantically or sexually involved?

How do you make new friends? What are the benefits of friendships? The costs? How would you let others know you are open to meeting new people and making new friends?

What happens when one person wants to be friends and the other does not? How do friendships end? Why?

What desirable qualities do you bring a friendship? What qualities would you like to develop in the future?

Values and Emotions

I really like (dislike) that character and I'm not sure why. What is so appealing (upsetting)?

They are talking about some serious issues on this show. Let's talk about kindness (cruelty, bigotry, poverty, honesty, trust)?

That scene really upsets me because of all the violence (cruelty, lies, sexuality, sarcasm). What do you think?

What do we mean by "values"? Which values are important to our family? What are nonverbal ways our family uses to communicate our values? If you have children, what is one family message you would like to pass on?

Do the males in our family have different values than the women? Can you mention any?

Where do we get our values from? What is a national value that may be less important in other countries? What kind of role do our religious beliefs play in defining our values?

What values do your favorite characters have? Are they similar to yours?

Why are values so important? Can you think of a value someone else has that you do not share? What is it?

What influences people to behave in ways that are in line with their values? Can you name any examples?

Will your values change or remain the same as you grow older? If your values and your behavior are different, which should you take another look at - your values or your behavior?

How does it feel to stand up for your values when friends disagree with your views? Are there values that have a particularly strong influence on teenagers' decisions?

Is education important to the characters on this show? What do you think about that?

Do the young people on this show have plans for the future? What are yours?

That character seems so much more (less) emotional than anyone else on the show. Would you be comfortable acting that way?

Do the characters on this show express their true emotions or do they hide them?

How do people express their feelings for each other in this show?

How would you react if someone said they were angry with you? Or that they liked you?

That grief (joy) was so difficult (nice) to watch - probably because I would feel the same way. How did that scene make you feel?

I wish I could express (hide) my emotions like that character. What do you think?

Trust and Responsibility

Would you trust that character? What does it mean to trust someone?

How do you pick someone to trust? When do you share secrets? Have you ever felt you couldn't trust a friend with a secret? How do you decide?

Have you ever lost confidence in someone? What happened? Could you ever trust them again? Have you ever broken a trust? How did you feel when you were found out?

How could I earn more of your trust? How could you earn more of mine?

What chores or responsibilities do the kids on that show seem to have? Would you give your kids more or less responsibility? Who decides family rights and responsibilities?

What do you think about your responsibilities? Do you have too few or too many? What ones would you like to avoid? What new responsibilities would you like to take on?

How important is being a citizen to you? What responsibilities do you feel you have to other members of your community?

What responsibilities do you have as a citizen of the world community? What can you do to demonstrate your world citizen status?

Relationships

What different kinds of relationships can people have? Which relationships are most important?

What do you think about those characters' relationship? Would you want to be in a relationship with that character? Do you know anyone who has a relationship like that?

What makes a good romantic relationship? How do people act when they like each other? Does this show portray romance that way?

That character seems very lonely (fulfilled, busy, confused). What do you think?

What are important characteristics of relationships? People who are dating? Husband/wife relationships? Girlfriends and boyfriends? Friends/co-workers? Which qualities are most difficult to find in a relationship?

How old should someone be to go out on a date? How do people ask each other out?

What do you think about a girl asking a guy out? Are there advantages when guys ask girls or vice versa?

Would you ever cancel plans with friends or family if someone you like asked you out? How would you feel if that happened to you?

Can you describe a relationship in your life that makes you feel very good? What makes that relationship work? Do you have a relationship that needs some work? What makes this relationship difficult for you?

Do kids feel pressure to kiss on the first date? What about doing more than that?

What kinds of pressures do you think kids your age feel about sex?

What happens if friends start to fight? How can they avoid violence? Is it ever right to hurt someone?

What would you do if someone was trying to scare you? Who would you talk to?

Culture and Belief

Do you know which ethnic or racial backgrounds are highlighted on this show? What is the religion of the characters? Do they discuss their religious traditions?

Do the characters have friends from different racial or ethnic backgrounds? Do kids at your school? Is it easy or difficult to be friends with people from different backgrounds?

What are stereotypes? Are any of the characters on this show a stereotype? Do you think that culture (race or belief) is being portrayed realistically?

Do the African-American, Asian, Hispanic and white characters all have the same choices available to them? Why or why not? Does it seem like that in real life?

How would you feel if we moved and you went to school in another country? What would you tell your new friends about your culture? What would you tell them about your native country?

If an exchange student joined your class, would you feel comfortable working on projects together? Would you be willing to try her/his favorite foods?

Which TV shows do a good job of celebrating cultural differences? If you created a comedy, what kind of characters would you pick?

What is fun about meeting new people? What can be difficult? How would you start a conversation with someone whose background is different than yours?

Violence

Did that character have to choose violence to solve her/his problem? What other options did she/he have? How would you have responded?

That character was forced to do something she/he didn't want to. Was that person abused? How do you define abuse?

What could that character have done to change the situation? What would you or I have done?

Do you and your friends ever have fights? How do you talk out your differences? Do you prefer to compromise or to keep arguing? What role does anger play in violence?

How do you respond when you feel angry and hurt? What kinds of reactions do you get? Why do people have so much trouble negotiating a solution to a conflict? How might emotions get in the way of a positive solution?

Does anger always have to end in violence? What is a safe way to express anger? Is it easy to respond appropriately when you have angry feelings? What makes it easy or difficult?

What violent acts commonly occur in our community? How are these acts of violence shown on the news?

Is the world as violent as that show portrays it? Are you ever scared for your safety? Who would you ask for help at school? At the mall? At home?

Does violence in your school, neighborhood or community affect you? Does it make you angry or sad?

Do you think that character was hurt badly? Do you think she/he will recover? What consequences does the perpetrator face?

How can you avoid violence and crime?

Sexual Behavior

Do you think those characters are ready for a sexual relationship? Why or why not?

Who feels more pressure about sex - males or females? What do your friends at school think about that?

Should teenagers have sex? Should adults tell them not to? Why or why not?

What do you think about teenagers having babies? Would you want to be a teen parent? What would you say to a friend who was considering having a child? What reasons would your friend have?

What responsibilities go along with sexual intercourse? How can you prevent unwanted pregnancy or a sexually transmitted diseases like HIV/AIDS? Do you know what safe sex is? How do people get HIV/AIDS?

Do TV characters ever talk about safe and responsible sex? How do characters on TV talk about their sexual feelings? Are they direct, flirting, forceful?

How would you communicate your feelings about wanting to or not wanting to have a sexual relationship with someone? Do TV characters talk the same way?

Which characters act like you think a man would? What actions or behaviors does he have that makes you perceive him that way? Which characters best portray women to you? What makes them different from other female characters?

Do you know what homosexuality is? Do you know what lesbian, gay or bisexual means? Have you ever seen shows with gay or lesbian characters? How does TV portray their lifestyles? Do you think its portrayal is realistic?

Advertising

Does TV use sex to sell an advertiser's products or their own shows? Does it work? Why or why not? How do other media (radio, billboards, magazines) use sex to sell?

Are most advertisements honest? How can you decide which products are best for you? What makes you want to buy a certain item? Does image, price or usefulness influence you or young children more?

Why are these products being advertised now? What kind of people are they trying to talk to? Are we part of their target audience?

What is the commercial or the show implying? Do you agree with the show's or advertisers views?

What other ways does the media appeal to your attention?

Does the media influence your behavior? Do you think it has an effect on mine? How would you talk to younger children about watching TV?

Wide Angle: What To Do With the Answers

The most important part of watching TV together is getting the dialogue going! Be patient at first, young people need to feel comfortable talking with you before they will open up completely. Remember to listen to and respect your children's views. Even if you disagree, it's important to get a glimpse of their view of the world.

Try not to lose your temper—even if their views are completely the opposite of yours. They may be expressing views more extreme than their own really are; they may be testing to see whether you are interested in listening to their views or only trying to impose your own views.

If you do get angry, take a deep breath and count to 10 or 500. If you still feel angry, postpone the rest of the discussion for a less stressful time or when everyone has had a chance to think about their opinions.

In some cases your kids already know how you feel; but in other instances, your views may be unknown or unclear. Expressing several possibilities will help them feel free to speak up.