ADVOCATES FOR YOUTH

Talking With Your Child's Teacher About a Sexual Issue

By Martha R. Roper, MA in Family Relations

Roper has taught school since 1970. She currently teaches health at Parkway South High School in Manchester, Missouri.

The views and opinions expressed in this article are those of the author and not necessarily those of Advocates for Youth.

There is more talk about sexuality issues in school than occurs in sex education classes. Teachers and kids alike commonly discuss what happens every day in hallways and classrooms. As a parent, you want your child's teacher to be trained in how to respond appropriately to questions and concerns during formal lessons or to students' comments and conversations overheard in hallways and during breaks. So then, what if your child begins to tell you about her/his day at school, and the word "sex" comes up?

"Your teacher said WHAT about sex?" Listen carefully to your child, and then ask for clarification. "I didn't understand. Jenny said what? And then the teacher said what?" Now, what do you do? (Pick the appropriate answer.)

1. Discuss the subject with your child.
2. Call the teacher.
3. Call the principal.
4. All of the above.

The correct answer may be D—all of the above. But first, start by having a conversation with your child. If you feel that you need more information to help clarify the context, then you might decide to call the teacher. Finally, you may wish to call the principal to compliment the teacher's handling, both of the discussion at school and the response to you.

Perhaps all you need to do is listen to your child's version and give some simple affirmation. You might say, "I'm so glad you told me about this. Isn't it nice that we can talk about anything?" During the next week you might create moments when the two of you chat and you share some of your family's beliefs about sexuality. It may be time for a new book for you and your child.

Since we communicate about sexuality issues directly and indirectly almost all of the time, it is not surprising that the subject would come up at school. In fact many parents hope that teachers will take teachable moments to teach the kids a fact or reinforce a value, or to allow them to practice communication skills, and then to explain exactly why the current situation requires a classroom discussion. Sometimes, people—young and old—hear the word "sex" and that is all they hear. It is very important to let kids know that health knowledge—including sexuality—has value in precisely the same way as knowledge about math, sciences, and languages, and that sexuality is worthy of both planned lessons and spontaneous discussions.

What is different about sexual knowledge is that our culture has a history of repressing, not only facts, but also discussion about the facts. Some parents want to be the first, and sometimes the only, source of information and values about sexuality issues. However, when children watch television, play with other children, and attend school, they receive sexuality-related information from all these sources. Thus, more often than not, parents are not a child's first and only source of information about sexuality and sexual health.

While we hope that schools are addressing sex education as a normal part of the school experience, when should you call the teacher about a sexuality related issue? If you think the teacher would appreciate knowing what your child said about the classroom conversation, then by all means, call. Teachers often find immediate feedback helpful. This may be especially true when sexuality is the topic. Or, you might feel concern about what your child reported for a number of reasons. For example, your child's story of the day may sound as though a student, or even the teacher, told a "dirty" joke. Perhaps the teacher explained a sexual situation that your child didn't understand. You may want to call the teacher so that you can get a clearer picture of what actually happened. Just remember that, with any situation, a number of things happen—what actually occurred or what someone actually said, what your child thought he/she said, what your child remembered about the incident later, and what you thought your child said in telling you the story. So, stay cool, and ask the teacher what happened in a nonjudgmental manner.

Teachers fear repercussions from doing their best. It happens all too often that teachers and principals cancel an educational experience or backtrack during a meeting because they worry that a parent is going to be unreasonable. Many educators and administrators can remember past conflicts that took over our lives and caused us personal and professional embarrassment. Please remember to thank the teacher for doing his/her best to answer questions and to deal appropriately in school with a sensitive topic such as sexuality.

Keep in mind when you talk with a teacher for the first time that your main goal is information. Was the source of your concern a comment that you believe the teacher made? Was it a concern about the lessons? Just ask the teacher to tell you about it. For example, you might simply want to find out the name of the program and the philosophy on which the sexuality education classes are based. Is the program an abstinence-only until marriage type? Or is it what we call comprehensive sex education, providing information about both abstinence and contraception, including condoms? Comprehensive sex education begins with the belief that human sexuality is a lifelong process, intricately integrated with other aspects of life. For example, gender and gender identity are an integral aspect of sexuality and are also intricately enmeshed with who we are and how we see ourselves in the world. Thus, it is important to approach sexuality as positive and manageable, an integral part of each person's life experience. Young people's questions should be welcomed and answered appropriately.

If you decide to talk with your child's teacher, here are a few pointers on how to make sure that it goes smoothly:

• Try to make sure that this is not the first time you have spoken with the teacher. If it is, apologize for not calling to say hello and introducing yourself before now.
• Be aware that the teacher will worry about your call because of the topic—sexuality. The teacher knows that this could make big trouble. Moreover, the teacher may be embarrassed about whatever you say about sexuality if she/he is also a product of a society that treats sexuality with shame and fear. The teacher may worry that you think he/she is not morally fit to be a teacher or that any talk about sexuality makes him/her look like a predator.
• Call at the end of the school day so the conversation won't upset the teacher or interrupt her/his concentration on the students.
• If you must leave a message, just ask the teacher to call you. Leave home and work phone numbers and/or a cell phone number, and sound upbeat and reassuring.
• When you have the conversation, make sure your child is not listening.
• Tell the teacher what your child told you, and explain why you are calling. For example, you might say, "Hi, this is Alex's mom/dad. Do you have a minute to chat? I'd like to tell you something that Alex told me yesterday. She/he said that a student asked where babies come from and you answered by saying the cabbage patch. (pause…) I thought I would call you and let you tell me about what happened."
• Listen carefully to the teacher, and take notes. Say: "Uh-huh, yes, uh-huh," keeping your voice upbeat. Repeat what you are hearing to make sure you get it right. For example: "So you didn't say babies come from the cabbage patch. You said that the stork brings them. Is that what you said?" Listen, and repeat back until you get it right. "Oh, I understand, you said that some people tell children that the stork brought them, and some people say they came from the cabbage patch, but that really children grow inside their mother until they are ready to be born. Is that right?"
• If you are pleased with what the teacher says, then you can thank him/her for creating an askable classroom. Affirm your support for the teacher in making sexuality a natural part of students' learning. You may want to call the principal and convey compliments about the teacher. This will go in her/his personnel file, and your child and other children will benefit from the teacher's continued ability to address sexual health-related questions and topics.
• If you are not pleased with what you hear, then tell the teacher that you are concerned and why. For example, parents often fear that kids received too much or too little medically accurate information. Sometimes, parents feel that the information was inappropriate, especially if the teacher expressed a religious or moral viewpoint. Perhaps the teacher's sense of humor or style clashes with yours. Or, maybe you feel that the conversation got out of control when a student blurted out an inappropriate term and created chaos.
• Stay calm, and be specific in your response. Be clear about what you want the teacher to do. For example, "In the future, I'd like for you to go ahead and give the children more factual information. I totally support that." Or, "In the future, I'd like for you to come down harder on students who use bad language." Or, "In the future, would you please be clear with the children that what you are going to say is your own personal opinion and that other reasonable people have different views?" At some point in the conversation, say that you will think about what she has said and call back next week if you are still concerned. Then follow through with another chat with the teacher.
• Think carefully about whether your concern warrants anything more than this phone conversation with the teacher. Maybe you were upset, but the phone call made you feel better. Maybe you want the program to be changed for future classes. Maybe you want to read further so that you know more about what works and what doesn't work in educating young people about sexuality. Thinking the situation through will help you focus your comments and make more reasonable points to the professionals. For example, you may decide, after doing research on your own, that you support children's receiving more accurate information.
• Spend some time discussing the issue with people you trust. Be discreet, because the story can get exaggerated very quickly. You want to be effective in your interactions with the teachers and administrators at your child's school. That means respecting the dignity and honoring the intentions of everyone involved.

Finally, remember that the most important factor is your relationship with your child. Talking with your child's teacher is not nearly as important as talking with your child. What YOU say and do matters far more than anything a teacher can ever say.

Continue to search at this Web site and the recommended links to get more information about the characteristics of effective sex education at school and at home. Get involved at school, and work at achieving and maintaining good relationships with teachers and principals. Your child will see how you talk about sexuality and sexual health issues and how you manage interpersonal communications, including conflict, effectively and will learn important lessons, including that:

• Sexuality is a normal and positive factor in every person's life.
• Your family, though not perfect, is willing and able to discuss issues around sexuality fairly and calmly.
• You will not "freak out" when the subject is "sex."

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