ADVOCATES FOR YOUTH

When Kids Ask Tough Questions about Sex

By Jerald Newberry, Executive Director, National Education Association Health Information Network

The views and opinions expressed in this article are those of the author and not necessarily those of Advocates for Youth.

Your children have all kinds of questions about sexuality. They will eventually find out some things about sexual intercourse, sexual orientation, HIV and related issues from the media and their peers. In order to have accurate information, your children need you to be available to listen to their concerns and help them navigate their way into becoming healthy adults. It is sometimes difficult, however, to know how to address our children's concerns around sexuality, particularly if we did not have open conversations about sex with our parents. Through my own parenting experiences and working with the Can We Talk?-¿Conversamos? parent-child communication program, I have learned a few things about responding to difficult questions from young people.

Most importantly, be as honest as possible and do not delay these critical conversations. If you're uncomfortable, share your feelings with your child. Say, "talking about sex is difficult for me because grandma and grandpa never discussed these topics with me when I was your age. I wish they had." If you do not know the answer to a question, say that you will do research and share the answer as soon as you find it. Always follow up with your child.

If you start these conversations when your children are young, it will be easier to continue the conversations as they grow up. Look for teachable moments. Sexually based commercials are perfect avenues into a conversation about values and sexual decision-making. Discuss hygiene, healthy choices and the difference between good touch and bad touch with your children early—before pre-school or kindergarten, if your child has been at home until then, and even earlier, if your child is in daycare.

Since even young children are exposed to many sexual messages, they may have questions that seem inappropriate for their age. Instead of getting upset or giving a complicated answer, engage them in a bit of discussion to find out what they already know and then give a simple explanation. For example, I knew a parent who was asked by her fourth grader, "Mommy, what is masturbation?" After some discussion, the mother learned that another child at school had been punished for touching himself in class that day. Knowing this, the mother realized she needed to give her daughter a clear explanation because it was going to be a hot topic at school the next day.

As children mature and become romantically interested in others, talking about sex can get more complicated. Adolescents may begin questioning your family's values and wanting to know about the sexual choices you made when you were young. It is important to stay available for your teenager and to keep the focus on their decisions, not yours. Remember that they are away from you more than they are with you, and remaining available can help you achieve and keep your child's trust. You want to be someone the child feels comfortable in coming to with questions. Let your children and teens know that you are always open to discussing anything.

One of our Can We Talk? parents noticed that her teenage son was becoming interested in girls. She knew that his father was not comfortable discussing sex with him, so she bought a package of condoms and gave them to her son. Her son assured her that he "knew all about condoms;" yet, when asked to explain the proper way to put one on, he clearly had no idea. An informative discussion followed this opener.

Children and teens may be most open to conversations about sex near bedtime, when they are processing everything they've seen and heard throughout the day. Another good time to talk to teenagers is when you are driving them to various lessons or to a friend's house. In the car, neither of you needs to make eye contact; there are fewer interruptions; and it is more difficult to escape. One father ended a conversation about sex with his son by saying, "You can always talk to me. I may not always agree with your decisions, but I have your best interests at heart and I will always listen."

Recommended Resource

Can We Talk?-¿Conversamos?
Developed by the NEA Health Information Network, this program helps parents and educators address self-esteem, puberty, sexuality, and peer pressure with their late elementary and middle school aged youth. For more information, click on the above link.

Click here to return to the Parents' Sex Ed Center home page.