Parents and Their Children's Learning about Sexuality
 By Dr. Michael A. Carrera, The Children's Aid Society
The views and opinions expressed in this article are those of the author and
not necessarily those of Advocates for Youth.
Young people need sexuality education and parents, as
essential sources of information and role models, can truly
influence their children's sexual development. Two parents,
a single parent, a
foster parent, a grandparent, or any other adult who cares
for and nurtures a young person must assume this task because
sexuality education involves
crucial family, religious, and cultural values and convictions.
Young people inevitably learn about sex and sexuality from
their environment anyway, and it is evident that the environment is not
always
very safe
or reliable, so it is up to caring adults to influence their
sons' and daughters' moral development, healthy decision making
abilities, self-esteem,
and knowledge of, and comfort with, their own sexuality.
A parent really has no choice in this matter. The only choice
is whether the job will
be done well or poorly.
Just What Is Sexual Learning?
Learning about sex and
sexuality has been long misunderstood by parents. For many, it simply
means the hasty presentation
of some information on reproduction,
like where babies come from, or an anatomy lesson showing that men have a
penis and women have a vagina. Others may wait until
their child reaches puberty
and provide some information on bodily changes, sometimes discussing menstruation,
but rarely ever mentioning wet dreams. With very few exceptions, these kinds
of discussions are initiated and carried out by the mother or a female in
the household. Rarely do fathers provide any direct
sexual information to their
children, especially their daughters. Many men continue to believe that their
interactions with their children are important simply as sex role models
and providers. Yet fathers must have a more meaningful
role in this process, because
they can do much to affect the emotional, social, and sexual development
of their children.
Sex, to many people means genital acts, either with
a partner or alone. But this definition denies the
completeness of our sexuality. Sexuality has to
do with being female or male and is conditioned by the cultural and religious
views we hold dear. Genital sexual expression can be a very important part
of a person's sexuality but it is a relatively small part of overall sexual
learning. The other important elements of sexual learning are body image,
gender identity, gender role, family and social role,
affection, love, intimacy, relationships,
sensuousness and eroticism. All these elements together form the total fabric,
the full cloth of sexuality. Accordingly, parents have a wide array of themes
and opportunities to discuss sexuality within this context through their
daily living with their children.
Talking with them about their clothes and how they
look and how their looks make them feel and providing
them with your view of the role of women and men
in families, in relationships and in society are unthreatening, yet critical
sexual learning opportunities. Repetitions of these messages throughout their
development and daily adult role modeling will provide the needed emphasis
on the specific view a parent wants to convey to their child. Being certain
these beliefs are shared and repeated by other adults in the household will
help avoid problems with mixed and gender biased messages.
Parents can reinforce holistic sexual learning in their
homes by watching almost any TV show with their son
or daughter. Invariably, the message for a woman is
in order to succeed, she must use her body. That is how she is recognized,
receives attention, moves ahead with her friends, and gets ahead in the world
of work. This is an example of a social lie that is embedded in every network
and cable sitcom, in hip hop music, and in every magazine read by young women.
Boys and young also men receive false messages from all the informational
sources around them which regularly and strongly indicate
that the way males succeed
or achieve is through the use of power, force, or wealth. This is also a
lie. With every opportunity, parents must assertively
challenge these sexuality
lies, these untruths about body image, gender and social role, and replace
them with the truth. The fundamental truth is that girls and boys succeed
by using their brain not their body; they succeed not
by their physical appearance
or strength but by the strength of their character and their moral core.
Parents need to communicate with their children about
the truth and then reinforce
it daily with a living, authentic example.
Clearly, these issues are not about reproduction or
body parts or the technology of sex; that is not needed
here. What is needed is a willingness to regularly
challenge what a parent sees as wrong and gently reinforce what is right,
always facing and pushing through the natural developmental
resistance expressed by
young people towards adults whose ideas are different than others'. Staying
this course takes time, patience, and endurance, but the benefits to young
people are incalculable.
The beginning of wisdom for parents as they move ahead
in the critical job of influencing the sexual learning
of their children is to make abundantly
clear, at every appropriate opportunity, in ways that are individually comfortable,
that their child is loved, prized, and valued. This constitutes an extraordinarily
powerful sexual message.
Recommended Resource
Lessons
for Lifeguards
Working With Teens When the Topic Is Hope
Donkey Press, 1999
P.O. Box 20583
New York, New York 10021-0071
ISBN 0965053504
Click
here to return to the Parents' Sex Ed Center home
page.
|
Send this page to a friend