Kathleen Baldwin is a certified sexuality educator with over 25 years experience working with students of all ages. She teaches Human Sexuality to undergraduate students at Indiana University in Indianapolis. Kathleen is a mother, a certified life and relationship coach, and the owner of Tell Kathleen Anything, LLC. Learn more about her work at www.tellkathleenanything.com.

Sometimes the simplest questions can feel like the most challenging. For instance, a simple and correct answer to the question “Do you have a penis mommy?” is likely “no”. This, though, is a missed opportunity, and worse yet, can lay a foundation for some unintended gender bias. Let’s explore some alternative responses.

“No, mommy has a vulva” is a good basic response for a very young child. This doesn’t frame it as just yes or no about a penis, but provides the alternative “other gender” correct term. Too often the external female genitals are referred to as the “vagina”. Typically well-intentioned people are trying to use accurate scientific/medical terms, which is great; it’s just the wrong body part! The vagina is an internal organ; remember those cross sections of the female reproductive system? What we see from the outside on a female is called the “vulva”; referring to it as the “vagina” would be like referring to the “penis” as the “urethra”.

“No, mommy has a “clitoris” is appropriate for preschool age and older. The clitoris is formed from the same embryonic tissues that would form the penis in a male fetus. So the analogy is perfect and correct. Leaving the answer at “vulva”, would be comparable to saying “everything above the shoulders is the “head”, without mentioning the eyes, ears, mouth, or nose. True, but it sort of misses the point. If the curious child asks to see mommy’s clitoris, it’s a great opportunity to model boundary-setting. “People keep their penises and clitoris private generally; adults don’t usually show theirs to children; and children only show theirs to adults who are helping them with taking care of their body, when bathing, dressing and when you go to the doctor.”

Why does this matter?

One of the reasons this is such an important lesson for home-based sexuality education by parents and caregivers is because it is very often omitted in even very good health education text books, even for teenagers! It is not uncommon for adults, whether they have one or not, to not know much about the vulva. How unfortunate to reach adulthood without this basic information about human anatomy. How disempowering for those who have one; never mind how unhelpful it is for those who may encounter one in their future relationships. They wouldn’t even recognize it!

If we don’t act like all body parts are good and clean, they may not know it, and they should know it. Virtually all of the other body parts are named from the earliest ages. Names of body parts are among the first words children learn. Yet for most of their development, a whole section of their body is often ignored. Worse yet it is sometimes depicted as dirty, nasty, or potentially dangerous. And sometimes children are taught made-up words as the names of their genitals, and are never given the proper names for what they have. The silence and nonsensical words speak volumes, but is it a healthy and helpful message?

Presumably, some of the hesitancy to naming the genitals at all, (for a child of any gender) is their association with pleasure. Adults often feel some discomfort and are therefore reluctant to address pleasure as an aspect of sexuality for their children. To ignore pleasure is telling only half the story. When children sense they aren’t getting some important information, their confidence is weakened, not strengthened. In addition, if they have ever touched their penis or clitoris, and they have, they know about pleasure. So it’s okay to talk about it; they already know it feels good.

Unfortunately concern about acknowledging pleasure can lead to unnecessary shame and guilt about pleasure, orgasm, masturbations and even sexual interactions with a loving partner. Without an opportunity to access basic sexuality information, people carry these unhelpful negative feelings well into adulthood. These negative feelings play out as negatives messages and actions in their adult relationships and their parenting interactions with their own children.

Sexual pleasure and desire are experienced by people of all genders. Too often media messages give the idea that boys are “sexually adventurous” while girls are the “gatekeepers of sexual behaviors.” Of course this is false, as well as dangerous. It positions the female as being responsible for deciding what the boys will “get away with”, because of course “boys will be boys”. This double-standard suggests incorrectly that all boys and men want sex whenever they can get it and ignores the fact that sometimes girls want it too.

This gender-based double standard is really a hurtful lie that disregards the fact that all too many children and adults are coerced into having sex to which they did not or could not consent, both males and females of course. This provides the final vital reason to name all the body parts, for even young children. If something is happening with those body parts, if someone is looking at or touching them, they can name it and have clearly gotten the message that mom and dad don’t freak out about this. This gives them a go-to caretaker when they need one most.

So whether it is a question from a son about how Mommy’s “down there” compares to his, or a daughter looking for the name of her own body parts, parents and caregivers should call it like it is, and use accurate terminology. Practice saying it while looking in a mirror if you feel like you can’t do it with a straight (or casual) face.

Kathleen Baldwin, MSW, CSE, CLC