Assertiveness Techniques Print

A Lesson Plan from Life Planning Education: A Youth Development Program (Chapter Three)

NOTE:  Life Planning Education (LPE) is currently being revised. The printed/for-sale version includes an older version of this lesson plan. Please make sure you have looked at the PDF of Life Planning Education before purchasing - that is the version that is available to buy.

Leader’s Resource for the lesson plan, Speaking Up For Yourself

Passive:  Being reactive rather than proactive; letting things go; trying to avoid confrontation

Aggressive: Reacting negatively; precipitating confrontation; using force (verbal or physical)

Assertive: Acting positively; acting appropriately for the situation (including sometimes, passively or aggressively); using “I” messages rather than pretending to speak for many people

When may it be a good thing to communicate passively? Answers: When meeting someone for the first time; when facing a life-threatening situation (sometimes)

When may it be a good thing to communicate aggressively? Answer: When participating in contact sports

When may it be a good thing to communicate assertively? Answers: When facing most situations in life; when the honest expression of your rights, needs, and/or feelings is important; when assertive communication will not interfere with someone else’s rights, needs, and feelings.

Assertive communication techniques

  1. I. Everyone has the right to be his/her best and to act in her/his own best interest.
    1. Use the ‘broken record’ technique by repeating your refusal until it is heard.
    2. Use clear “I” statements, such as “I feel ...,” “I think ...,” “I would like ....”
    3. Avoid giving excuses.  Remember that you don’t owe anyone a reason for the way you feel or for acting in your own best interest.
    4. Avoid tentative responses, such as “Do you think we should do ....” or “I wonder whether we should ...”
    5. Use a firm, calm voice.
    6. Don’t threaten or put down another person.
    7. Make and keep direct eye contact.
    8. Face the person directly without shifting or fidgeting.
  2. II. You have the right to make a request.
    1. Choose an appropriate time and place to make a request.
    2. Make a request or ask for what rightfully is yours without being apologetic.
    3. Accept the other person’s right to refuse the request.
    4. Use clear “I” statements, such as “I think ...,” “I feel ...,” “I want ...”
    5. Use a firm, calm voice.
    6. Accept or offer a workable compromise when it is appropriate.
    7. Don’t threaten, pressure, or put down another person.
    8. Make and keep direct eye contact.
    9. Face the person directly without shifting or fidgeting.
  3. III. You have the right to be treated fairly and not to be intimidated.  You have the right to make a mistake.  You have the right to change your mind.
    1. State your refusal clearly and simply. Repeat it, if necessary, until it is heard.
    2. Take the offensive by stating what is happening and refusing to be made to feel guilty.  For example: “I feel like you are pressuring me to do something I don’t want to do and I don’t like it!”
    3. End the conversation by looking the other person in the eye for a count of five.  Then leave.
    4. Use clear “I” statements, such as “I think ...,” “I feel ...,” or “I want ...”
    5. Use a calm, firm voice.
    6. Don’t threaten, pressure, or put down the other person.
    7. Avoid tentative statements, such as “I’m not sure ...” or “Do you really think we should ...”
    8. Maintain eye contact.
    9. Face the person directly without shifting or fidgeting.

Techniques for being assertive:

1.    Choose the right time and place.
2.    Use a confident voice.
3.    Speak firmly but calmly.
4.    Repeat yourself (like a broken record) until you are heard.
5.    If necessary, agree that you hear what the other person is saying. Then repeat your position. For example, “I’m sure you do think I’m chicken, but I’m not interested.”
6.    Take the offensive. Ask a question. Explain how you feel. “I feel like you are pressuring me. Why are you pressuring me to do that? I don’t want to!”
7.    Offer a compromise if appropriate.
8.    Refuse to discuss the issue further and change the subject.
9.    Refuse to discuss the issue any further and/or leave.  This is the final assertiveness technique.  It may seem like running away, but if you have tried the other techniques and the other person is still pressuring you, this is the way to remain in control and do what is in your own best interests.

In order to set limits, you need to:

  1. Know your own beliefs and values.
  2. Be aware when pressured to go against your own beliefs and values.
  3. Be aware of consequences attached to going beyond your limits – immediate consequences and lifetime consequences
  4. Be able to communicate your values and beliefs to others.
  5. Recognize and avoid situations that make it difficult to stick to your limits.

* Adapted with permission of Planned Parenthood Centers of West Michigan.

Life Planning Education, Advocates for Youth, Updated 2009.