A Lesson Plan from Life Planning Education: A Youth Development Program

Purpose: To practice expressing thoughts and feelings through "I statements".
Materials:Copies of the handout, Positive Communcation: Say What You Feel (pdf), for each participant; lists of communication bridges and barriers from the previous activity
Time: 40-50 minutes

Planning Notes
Use the lists included in Steps 2 and 3 of the activity Bridges and Barriers.

Write the following sentences on newsprint to use in Step 2:

• Accusing: "Why do you always have to be late for everything?"
• Sarcastic:"You could have been a little later—then we'd miss the whole movie!"
• Insulting (name calling): "You're such a stupid jerk for being late"
• Threatening: "You're never reliable. I'm not making plans with you ever again."
• Blaming: "You've ruined the movie for me—we'll never get good seats now."

Procedure

1. Tell the group to listen to the following scenario and think about how they would communicate their feelings in a similar situation:
   You've made plans to go to a movie with a friend The lines have been long for this movie and you want to go early to be sure to get tickets and good seats. You ask your friend to come by at 7:00, which is early for an 8:00 movie. You are clear with your friend about the time, since she or he is often late. Seven o'clock comes and goes, and no friend arrives. At 7:25 your friend shows up with an excuse for being late. By this time you know you probably won't get tickets for the movie.
2. Ask for examples of what teens would say to their friend if they were in this situation. After you hear from them, display the responses you have prepared. Go over each, reading it according to the word that describes the sentence's tone, and ask how their friends would react to each one.
3. Refer the group to the lists of bridges and barriers. Remind them that not saying how you really feel is a barrier to good communication, too. None of these responses really tells a friend what feelings are being felt. Explain that each of these responses are negative—and other people are likely to react negatively to them.
4. Write the following response on the board or newsprint
   I am really disappointed that you're late. I'm angry that we won't get to see the movie now.
   Ask the group how friends would respond to that kind of communication.
5. Explain that positive communication means choosing words carefully and:
   
   • expressing feelings honestly without threatening or putting down the other person
   • beginning the communication with "I" rather than "you", as in "I wish", or "I feel," as opposed to "You always", or "you never".
     
     People are more likely to respond in a positive way to such messages because the sender is taking ownership of her or his feelings and not trying to blame or put down the other person.
6. Distribute the handout and go over instructions for the activity:
   • Find a partner to work in pairs.
   • Read the negative message on the left and think of a positive alternative. Try not to offend the sender.
   • Choose your words carefully and write your response as an "I message." Begin with "I" and communicate your feelings honestly.
7. Allow about 15 minutes for pairs to work, then ask for one or two examples of positive alternatives for each negative message.
8. Conclude the activity using the Discussion Points.

Discussion Points:

1. In general, how are "I statements" different from negative messages?
2. How do you think the receivers of your positive messages will react? Give examples.
3. How easy or difficult is it to use positive "I messages" when you're talking with someone? Why? (Answers include: There is emotion involved and communicating clearly is more difficult when we are emotional; most people are in the habit of using negative, rather than positive, communication.)
4. Is there a situation in your life right now where using an "I statement" might help make the communication more positive? Please describe it.
5. Using "I statements" does not guarantee that the communication between you and the other person will go well. Can you think of a situation in which using an "I statement" might backfire or make no difference at all?